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Rangers RagAUGUST 2000by Mark Dugmore ISSUE THREE LATEST NEWS: PETER 'CHEEKY WOBBLY HEAD' CHESHIRE IN PIZZA PROMO Food Store giant Asda have signed Peter "Cheeky" Cheshire on a lucrative Pizza Ad-Campaign. The flying left wing back now promotes Asda's new Hawaiian Pizza line in a series of advertisments in which he characteristically wobbles his head from side to side to demonstrate how tasty the Ham & Pineapple snacks are. In a brief interview he claimed "These Ham and Pineapple Hawaiian's are so tasty I nearly lost me head, but if you are talking about Salami then I can't help you son". It is rumoured that there are several sponsorship deals on the cards for the emerging Cheshire including a line in Neck Braces. What ever the future holds though contrary to popular belief he seems to have his head screwed on. EXCLUSIVE EXCLUSIVE: NEIL 'NOAKSEY' NOAKES MOUSTACHE STRIKES SOLO CAREER The Ginger Easy Rider Kanchelskis style moustache of Rangers Centre Back Neil "Noaksey" Noakes has left for pastures greener. The self-styled facial hair piece that likes to be known as The Stash has won a lucrative and lengthy contract starring in hard core pornographic films. 'The Stash' prides itself in being adaptable to most faces and has the ability to make any scene seem like the Seventies. All the players and coaching staff at Rangers wish The Stash all the best for the future and offer advice of how to keep in trim, naked-lipped Noakes is said to be taking time to adjust to life without the handlebars. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ISSUE TWO WORLD EXCLUSIVE: SIMON JENNINGS PASSES WATER Amazing revelations have rocked the length and breadth of Water Orton as news has emerged that Simon "King Fen" Jennings has passed water. This is definitely the first thing dribble King Jennings has ever passed, in a brief interview he claimed "I’m the King". Orton Rangers management are holding immediate talks to see if Jennings could maybe, with training, pass the ball. RANGERS SHOCKER: FIERY TREANOR IN PRE MATCH K.O. Volatile Rangers forward Brian Treanor ruled him-self out of a pre-season friendly in a bizarre dressing room bust up. In a pre match frenzy wild man Treanor caught a glimpse of his own reflection in the mirror. Failing to recognise himself he challenged the aggressor saying “What the fuck you looking at? Did you call me a clown?” and subsequently demolished him-self with a right hook and a head butt thus ruling himself out of the fixture. The unfortunate situation was rumoured to be continuing as Brian refused to apologise to himself or shake his own hand. SPECIAL REPORT by James Marrett THATCHER IN NEW PHONE TRIAL - EXCLUSIVE Orton Rangers centre-half Paul "Jinko" Thatcher has been the beneficiary of some good fortune this week as Japanese mobile phone giants Nokia have selected Thatcher for a trial of their new 8690 model. The unique phone comes with an exclusive selective text message feature which enables the user to automatically choose who they want to receive messages from. A spokesman for Nokia, Yoo Fuckie Lye said "We believe with Paul’s help that the feature could be a major breakthrough, for example he could send and receive messages from a loved one and choose to ignore messages from his friends”. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ISSUE ONE LATEST NEWS: STUART "GING" TAYLOR SCOOPS LUCRATIVE SPONSORSHIP DEALS Rangers versatile defender Stuart Taylor has landed major sponsorship deals from two rival telecommunications giants. The young wingback is said to be quietly pleased over the offers from MERCURY ONE TO NONE & ORANGE TALK NOUGHT. Vodaphone are also rumoured to be making moves in Taylor's direction to raise the profile of their VODAFONE SMALL TALK PACKAGE. In a press statement Taylor said "I'm happy to let my football do the talking", with this he pulled out his favourite Mitre and insisted all questions were directed to the ball. In an insane act of ventriloquism young Taylor attempted a quick fire question round whilst drinking a crate of Pilsner. He was taken to Hospital suffering form a severe case of Silence. SCIENCE IN SPORT DEAN "BEAVER" BILLINGSLEY FINALLY UNDERSTOOD Scientist at the University of Central England have made a break through which will change the lives of Orton Rangers players and staff for ever. After a painstaking 12 months research using the most powerful super computers and visual oscillators known to man, they have finally made coherent communication with Dean Billingsley. The young striker already sporting Space Shuttle technology lip balm to keep his lips cool during speech has been given a new lease of life. The process involved slowing down recorded speech 100,000 times to a level the average man can understand. This though has raised as many questions as it has solved as many post match interviews have now shown no matter what the question, young Billingsley's answers all revolve around the art of plastering. EXCLUSIVE REPORT: MARRETT: "I’M EAGER TO GEL"! In an exclusive interview Orton Rangers young striking sensation James Marrett revealed his plans and wishes for the future. Speaking from the spiritual home of the black and whites (The Digby) Marrett talked frankly about the need for a cohesive attack, "I think its important for the front two to Gel especially at a club like Rangers who like to play with style". Marrett who impressed this season with his good all round game and deft touch feel that if the front two Gel it would serve to add an extra Dimension to his heading. This revelation is sure to send SHOCKWAVES through Premiere league defences and will add to the Orton’s growing contingent of slick players. With a squad already boasting the likes of Paul Thatcher and Chris Giles two experienced heads who are quoted as saying "Style is everything". EXCLUSIVE EXCLUSIVE: RANGERS SUCCESS ATTRACTS WEALTH OF TALENT The close season has seen many new players express interest in the Warwickshire Giants. With a possible 4 new signings plus 2 long-term players returning form loan spells abroad, this swells the Rangers squad immensely. In a high spirited statement in the Digby press room manager Blain Parker showed his delight by screaming "LETS HAVE IT THEN"!!!!! from atop of the Digby bar. The white-browed wonder then swilled back his favoured tipple in a single movement thus sending him crashing back into the villages comestible supply of Scampi fries. Assistant Manager Nick Parker amid the confusion showed the Rangers refusal to lie down in a brief statement he said "THANK FUCK IT WASN'T THE BARBEQUE BEEF". RANGERS LATEST: THATCHER PLEDGES FUTURE TO RANGERS Much speculation has surrounded the future of unsettled goal ace Ian Thatcher but in an exclusive scoop he pledged his future to the black and white heroes. In a rushed exit from his house he claimed he had never wanted away from Rangers and was definitely going no where. He said "I LIKE PLAYING FOR RANGER'S, I LIKE THEIR STYLE OF PLAY, I WANT TO REMAIN STATIC FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE". This ends any doubts over the striker's movement; disgruntled ground staff however expressed their disapproval of having to mow round him for another season. LATEST REPORT: DUGMORE EYES NEW SEASON AHEAD Ranger’s Wing back Mark Dugmore has both eyes fixed firmly on the future with a new school of excellence. He claims the combination of new shin pads and a new brick like touch have worked wonders for the player’s form. In an interview at the school of excellence he claimed his new Predator precision shin pads are responsible for the success in passing to opposition and fans alike. Unfortunately the interview was cut short when his mum called him in for tea. A RANGERS RAG FIRST: DUGMORE VOTED MOST CONSISTENT RANGER Rangers flying wingback Mark Dugmore has been voted Rangers most consistent player by a panel of Premiere league officials. This has come as great news to the player who came into the league wide eyed and itching for success early on in the season. Speaking from his training ground last night he said "Its come as a complete surprise even though my record speaks for itself, I dedicate this award to my fellow players and my new shin pads". Dugmore’s record does indeed speak for itself, consistently the worst player on the pitch throughout the whole season he sports a 100% record in front of goal, with zero goals in all competitions. |
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