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Big Brother (Day 13)

Having just read that Damo's page (Dubliner) is now no longer I've decided to set up my own page, seen as though I've always wanted a page on this site. Quinnys page never says anything new and is boring, Brendan never updates and takes sh1t, Clarkeys is old and now lacking ideas big time and Donal's is, well, weird to say the least. The Minger League was refreshing last year whilst Brendan could be ar5ed doing it, but a return to it is very unlikely as it seems to have made its way around the whole of intheteam and to the Meltham inbreds in particular. So hopefully you can all see this page as a refreshing alternative to the on this site. However I will not reveal my true identity.

I'll be hoping to update this every couple of days to keep you all informed with the goings on in the house. I've yet to decide on how people will be evicted though. Here goes...

Having decided against going on a team holiday this year, the bhoys got together and decided that instead of a holiday they could lock themselves in the Irish Centre for several weeks and vote each other off in a Big Brother style adventure. All were in favour and so in the summer of 2002 the bhoys entered IC...

Meet The Housemates:

Adam Bell
Donal Buggy
Simon Chatten
Michael Clarke
Tom Davies
Tom Gubbini (evicted day 5)
Bobby Helliwell
Alex Kalinowski
Chris Keady

John Paul Kitterick
Adam Lunn
Phil Mann (evicted day 5)
Cashel McGowan
Miles O'Donnell
Paul Quinn
Brendan Shanahan
Matthew Tattersley
Damien Wood

 Miles was the only housemate to enter wearing Sunday's finest

whereas many of the bhoys opted for the 'less is more' option (Donal, Alex, Johnny, Matty, Cashel, Damo & Adam)

 ...but Quinny and Brendan took it that bit further going using Big Brother as a chance to cross dress

 it was emotional for Bobby having to separate from Loz for the couple of weeks in the house was emotional for Lunn, also, for having to leave his Doris' behind
 Matty: is this the thickest man in the house? No this is. Adam Bell enjoying his complimentary drink from Margret when entering

Day 1: the bhoys move into their rooms and enjoy a bit of 'naked time'
...but some took it too far
Day 1
The housemates meet up in Weatherspoons in town and after drinking themselves silly for 4 hours (except Johnny and McGowan who had been for a full 3 days) head for the IC where Margret greets them and invites them into the place where some will be staying for several weeks.
“A piece of pi55” says McGowan “remember St. Paddys week Johnny when we did a full 12 weeks?”

“No” Johnny replies “I think I may have been a bit too mashed to remember.”

The group gather in the room which is usually used for team-meetings and post-match meals, ready to be told the full extent of their task.

“Do you reckon they’ll be cameras in the toilets” Bobby whispers to Clarkey

“Oh yeah definitely. In fact I think they’ve had cameras in there for the last few months.”

“You’re jokin’!!” Bobby shouts

“Errr no, why what have you been up to in there?” Clarkey asks

“Last night she say oh baby don’t feel so down la la la-la laaaaa” Bobby sings in a slightly obvious attempt to avoid the question.

A voice, as if from nowhere, begins to address the group.

“Welcome housemates. For the next 10 weeks this center will be soley occupied by you 18 housemates. Every 2 days, each of you will nominate 2 housemates to be evicted. The public will then vote off who they choose to go in a poll on the intheteam website. Each week you will be given a total group budget of £250. It is up to you to either gamble a % on a random task or to gamble it on the bandit machine. The choice is yours. The money can be spent either on drinks at the bar or on a weekly food shopping list. The bar will be open only from 7 till 11 each evening. That is all Big Brother can reveal at this present time.”

The voice fades.

Adam Bell looks puzzled. Alex reluctantly explains what has been said to Adam using words of no more than 4 letters. Adam understands.

The housemates are rather downbeat at the disappointingly low shopping budget. Miles tries to reassure by explaining that he has never yet lost out on bandit and so the money will be safe with him. The group aren’t too sure.

In an attempt to raise spirits the bhoys gather in the main lounge at 7 o’clock and sup away their complimentary pint of snakeo each from Margret. The housemates discuss the items which they brought in. Adam Lunn’s guitar gets a few cheers, especially when he and McGowan give a rousing rendition of the Tenerife classic ‘I’m In Love’. Matty brings his mobile but is distraught when Big Brother calls him to the diary room (the cloakroom) to confiscate it as it doesn’t apply to the rules. Matty doesn’t receive the sympathy or backing from the group he thought he might get. He is instead met with abuse in which the words ‘thick’ and ‘b@stard’ are commonly used. Perhaps the item which went down the best was Simons. He brought with him some magic cigarettes and a few ten bags, at which time the eyes of every housemate lights up. Phil rather unsurprisingly brought a comb, a mirror and some gel.

Quinny whacks on the jukebox and spends a fiver of the groups weekly budget on putting Maggie May on repeat for 4 hours straight. However Brendan strikes it lucky and drops thirty quid on the bandit. Donal makes the joke that its ironic that it’s the goalkeeper that ‘drops’ 30 quid, but the joke dies on its ar5e and Donal is subjected to a severe group abuse. Damo is flippin’ upset that he lost a fiver only a minute before Brendan cleared up. He looses his head and storms off to the diary room, where he tells Big Brother that none of the housemates ever knew him.

205 snakeos and 10 Smirnoffs (Adam Bell's) later the bar closes for the night and the housemates pass out and are unconcious for the remainder of the night.

Day 2 

The group awake at around 12ish, before meeting to discuss the fact that only £27 of the groups budget remains after the big sess the night before. Before agreeing it should be all risked by Miles on bandit, the group realize that one member is missing. Simon is found semi-concious, hungover lying on the pool table with his pants down and his todger in the bottom left pocket.

Miles plays the hero and the group come out with £263.60, more than they had originally started the week with. Miles passes out after being on the bandit for 6 hours straight winning the money.

Phil brakes a tooth on his comb and blames Cashel. Cashel calls him a and asks Phil how could it have been him when his doo’s a mess and he’s wearing a cap.

Damo goes into the diary room to talk about love.

Donal plays up to his ‘Huddini’ nickname by strangly going missing.

Big Brother announces a task for the group to try and complete and win more money.Should they choose to accept the housemates will have to perform a dance routine to a randomly picked pop song. The group decide to risk 75% of the budget after discovering that the song is ‘Hey Baby’ and they’ll be given 4 hours to learn and reherse it.

Rehersals go well, but the disappearance of Donal means the task will not be successful unless all 18 do the dance correctly.

15mins before the performance Donal shows up and swallows his pride and learns the dance. The dance goes well until the final chorus where Matty twils to the left instead of right. Alex b0llocks him and the group lose 75% of their money.

Simon fumes when he discovers Tom G has stolen an eigth off him and skinned up in the toilet. Tom says he was only borrowing it.

Matty, feeling guilty about costing the group so much money, decides to show the chaps his willy. It doesn’t go down to well, and several members of the group discuss that Matty must be odds on favourite to be first to be evicted.

With only so little of the money left the group decide that tonight shall be an alcohol-free night, as imposed by Chris Keady. When 9pm comes Magret faints when a drink is yet to be bought.

Having never gone this long without a drink since just before his 7th birthday Cashel begins feeling hungover and the group say that this is probably him sobering up. Cashel heads off to bed.

Matty, in another attempt to make up for his earlier error, decides to sing ‘Angels’ to the group. He performs well and several members of the group decide to by him a drink for his hard work. This turns out to be a big p1ss-up with Keady’s idea of an teetotal night in tatters on the floor along with most of the group.

Day 3

It’s the groups first nomination day and there are a few nervous faces as Margret serves the porridge for breakfast. The previous two mornings had greeted the bhoys with a full English fry-up, however as money is so short after yesterdays failure in the task, the group are forced to save up all the money they can. Johnny hates porridge and calls Matty a for costing the group three quarters of their budget. The group all agree. Except Lunny who seems to be his element with the porridge. Some of the group discuss that it may be because Adam is infact similar to porridge: lifeless. Also Clarkey doesn’t seem to care about the porridge neither and the housemates all believe that this is to do with the fact that he’s used to grewl, being jobless and that, and grewl is the only thing worse than porridge. The group then get into a lengthly discussion with Clarkey about whether or not he still receives dole money whilst he’s in the house. Clarkey believes he probably does cos he told the jobcentre he was going on a family holiday for a few weeks.

After breakfast Alex and Simon go into the diary room together. They tell Big Brother that they are very uncomfortable with the racial situation of the group. They are upset and ask Big Brother why they are the only two coloured people in the house. Big Brother sympathises with them and gives them the So Solid Crew album to listen to as a small gift. Most of the group warm to this gift aswell, whilst Donal and Clarkey retreat upstairs in disgust.

Prior to nominations Brendan spends a good few hours having a one to one heart to heart with each housemate, telling them how “isn’t it funny how spending a few days together makes you realise how close you are to some people”, whilst gently stroking their leg.

Matty calls an urgent group meeting and yet again apologises for yesterdays costly error and says that there is no point waiting for him to be inevitably evicted, and so announces he is to leave the house. The group finally take sympathy on Matt, who is in tears, and tell him he should stay.

Cashel approaches Clarkey and whispers into his ear that the two of them should vote for the “townie b@stards” like Damo and Adam Bell cos “us moshers have got to stick together y’know”. Clarkey agrees.

The group one by one are randomly called into the diary room to make their nominations for eviction.

Cashel votes for Clarkey for being a mosher b@astard.

Simon votes for Gubbini after his weed went missing the following day.

Lunny votes for Keady saying “I’ll knock the b@stard out if he ends up staying”.

Adam Bell asks Big Brother to explain what they mean by nominations.

So does Matty.

Keady refuses to nominate a fellow team-mate and instead draws 2 names from Cashels cap. However the old wax from McGowans doo causes several of the pieces of paper to stick to the hat. Keady then tells Big Brother how much he’s missing Joanna and their three children.

After the nominations are complete Big Brother tells group that the results will be announced at 9pm the following day.

Keady issues an alcohol ban for the night, insisting that the remaining money should be saved for other purposes and that everyone goes to bed early.

At 9pm the housemates all go to bed.

9:05pm - with Keady asleep, Quinny leads his troops downstairs where they blow the remainder of their budget on the new cider Margret has been secretly brewing and selling for just 50p a pint.

Day 4

Keady awakes at 9am prompt and finds 19 semi-humans lying half-concious on the florr of the IC. Tommy D is sprawled across the bar with a burnt out cigarette in his mouth. Keady is angry and in a fit of rage and tells the group that enough is enough from now on he will look after all the groups money, as he is the only one who has proven himself to be responsible. A quiet whisper from Lunny tells Keady that all but £3 of the money remains. Keady is furious and says “how can you do this to me?” to the group, and storms off to the diary room where he doesn’t come out until three hours later.

Meanwhile the group are feeling guilty and are being forced to ponder life without Keady. Its tough times. Quinny is feeling perhaps the worst as it was him who organised last nights session, “I’m supposed to be his right-hand man” he cries.

At this point Damo discretely wanders over to the bandit machine where he optimistically inserts £1.50 into the machine.  Amazingly on his first game 2 appear and with the use of a nudge Damo wins just short of £20.The group decide to gamble further and Damos luck of good fortune continues to the point where the group have now managed to raise £90 within the space of 90minutes. Alex then comes up with the genius idea of asking Big Brother if they could set them a mini-task to give them the chance to further increase their winnings.

Big Brother tells Alex that he’ll get back to the group soon.

Big Brother calls the group to assemble in the main lounge an announces that Big Brother have decided to set the group a small task. They must keep a football up in the air for a minute without it once touching the floor. The bhoys are pretty confident, although players are limited to only 5 touches before having to pass the ball on. The group decide to gamble 50% on successfully completing the task. Big Brother allows them 1 hour to practice. Practices go well as the group seem to be finding the task not to difficult.

The time of the task comes, and Alex and Matty begin arguing over who starts off with the ball. Eventually Brendan picks up the ball and after 3 skills passes on. With the clock on 55secs the ball lands at Adam Bells thigh. He takes four touches and chips the ball over to Phil. However the ball is above Phils head and fearing for his doo, Phil ducks and the ball lands on the floor with the clock on 59.3secs and the group have failed.

The next couple of hours barely a word is said as the IC becomes the quietest it has ever been for a long time.

Quinny then remembers something which the group discussed at breakfast the following day: Clarkey’s dole money. He tells Clarkey that surely if he is still receiving dole money whilst in the house, he must have some on his solo card. But Clarkey reminds Quinny that Big Brother temporarily whiped off the contents of each housemates finance before entering the house to avoid them bringing their own money into the house. However, Quinny says that still any payment onto the card since entering will surely be now on the card. And what with IC’s new Blobby-style till where you can pay for drinks on your card, Quinnys discovery is a godsend.

Meanwhile Big Brother asks the group to gather in the main lounge to give the results of the nominations:

"Good evening housemates. There are 4 people up for eviction this week, 2 of which will be asked to leave at this time tomorrow. Those will be in alphabetical order: Damo, Matty, Phil & Tom G. Thank you."

Damo is absolutely distraught and runs upstairs in tears, he can't believe the guys he's spent the last 7 years of his life with have nominated him to leave "perhaps I never knew them" he whimpers underneath his pillow.

Matty is a little disappointed but not surprised. However, he is slightly angry as yesterday the group told him not to leave, yet they still went and nominated him.

Tom G is pretty unscathed by the goings on. "Can't really be ar5ed, staying that long anyway" he says. "Theres no doris and very little illegal substances in here so whats the point? Anyone fancy a game of pool?"

Phil puts on a hurt face but deep down he just wants to let his excitement out. He worked out that with the time he took off work so far he could have sold 3 TVs at Comet and thats a hell of a lot of comission. He also misses spending 3 hours in the morning doing his doo.

The end of the day signals the traditional pi55-up (on Clarkey's solo) and after a few wins on bandit Clarkeys balance isn't too bad. "Anyway my dole money comes through tomorrow so we can drink away bhoys!"

Day 5

The lads wake up half-concious after the night before's big sesh, courtousy of Clarke's dole money, and for two it'll be the final day. Matty, Gubbini, Phil and Damo are up for eviction and two will be asked to leave the house at 10pm tonight. After a light(ish) breakfast the lads gather in the front lounge and sip Lucozade. At this point a small plane flies low over the train station (visible from the IC) with a message trailing behind reading what Miles swears is "Save Damo - The Sun, Bizarre". Damo is pretty excited at the fact that his idol Dominic Mohan is supporting him and instantly his confidence in staying in the house rises. The Daily Sport run a less successful campaign of "Save the one who's not afraid to show off his pride" when their plane crashes somewhere near Sainsburys.

Tom D and Miles face a falling out at dinner table after their competion of who can where the gayest sleaveless top goes too far and a few blows are placed before Keady intercepts and splits it up.

With the time approaching 7pm Johnny decides to have his regular evening poo however it seems when he goes to the toilet it is already vacated with Cashel knocking one off. Johnny igores the "i'll be out in a sec Johnny I've nearly done" and decides to just visit the bottom toilet. However, when opening the door he finds Alex and Matty in a deep discussion which their trousers down comparing who has the largest penis. Alex says "yeah well i'm black therefore i have a much bigger kn0b than you!" with Matty replying "well we've just measured and mines a quarter of an inch bigger", "So what Matty at least I have a foreskin" is Alex's witty response. Johnny appauled decides his only option is to go into the ladies room. There he can poo is peace. When he opens the door he finds Dermott sprawled out on the floor alongside about 563 cans empty of lager. Johnny manages too resussetate him and Dermott asks Johnny where he is ("the IC where you always fcukin are Dermott"). Turns out Dermott has been there for 2 whole weeks completely mashed. Big Brother immediately calls Dermott to the diary room.

Big Brother: "Dermott you do understand that you are in breach of the Big Brother rules as you are not a registered housemate and no outside sources (bar Margret) are allowed in the house. However it would be more damaging if we let you out as we know you cannot handle life outside the IC. So in this case we would like to offer you a place in the house." Dermott is only too pleased to accept, and the lads are absolutely delighted at the newcomer to the house. "The IC just aint the IC without Dermott" Donal says.

After a couple of hours of serious drinking Big Brother announces the two people who will be asked to leave the house in an hours time. "The two housemates who have recieved the most public votes are....Phil and Tom!!". Both aren't to bothered in fact Phil is quite delighted, "just in time for Viz" he's quoted as saying. Damo and Matty are to delighted at staying in and decide that the chaps should have a send off drink(s) for Tom and Phil. Quinny meanwhile is distraught that Tom is to be leaving.

At 10pm Big Brother asks the two to leave the house. Problem. None of the lads are anywhere near sober enough to actually remember who is supposed to be evicted, not even Phil or Tom. Bobby staggers into the diary room to ask if the can repeat the names of the two. However it's not till 2am till the two leave as Bobby says in the diary room for 4 hours talking complete sh1t to Big Brother. "I've missed Viz now" says Phil.

Day 6

The group awake, now cut down to only 17 housemates after Phil and Gubbini's eviction and the discovery of Dermott. The lads are all hungover but spirits are high due to the new addition.

Its Magrets day off and so Big Brother has told the lads that its up to them to make their breakfast this morning. I a state of panic the boys discuss who actually has any kitchen skills whatsoever. "My mum can cook" says Johnny before the group agree that that doesn't count as him having any skills. Having gone around the group the lads find no-one who can even make the simplest of foods. "Why the flip did we vote out the Italian guy?" says Damo in a 'lost his head' type manner.

The group eventually decide to just have bread and butter for brekie as even that cant be too hard. Every except Johnny that is. "I don't like bread and butter" Johnny says "cant we just have toast or something". Alex asks him how it can be "humainly possible" for him to like toast when he doesn't like bread and butter. Johnny shrugs before Tommy D lends Johnny his lighter to burn the bread and attempt to make the bread toast.

As the afternoon drags on Big Brother announces that there will be yet again another set of votes for eviction this evening. The group (well just Adam Bell) begins to panic. To calm his nerves Adam B decides to get a board game from the pantry and asks around the lads to see if any of them are interested in a game of Travel Scrable. "Why the fcuk would I wanna play travel scramble Adam? We aren't even travelling" is McGowans polite decline. All the lads refuse except Matty and Alex who are as bored as Adam and think it could possibly be fun. 10 minutes into the game Quinny decides he wants to play but the three decide its too late as the game has already started, so Quinny puts his newly qualified referee skills to the test and acts as an adjudicator.

2 hours later Adam, Matty and Alex pack up the Travel Scrable after the game begins to get out of hand as Matty and Adam get violent over who won. The group ask why it means so much to them as its only a game Adam states that they both saw the game as "a chance to show were not as think as you all thick we are", before Donal points out that maybe Adam meant "not as 'thick' as you all 'think' we are". Quinny tells both Adam and Matty to shut up cos the final score was Alex 1,567, Matty 6 and Adam 5 and a half. Alex at one point managed to spell a word consisting of 19 letters and gave a correct Oxford definition of the word at one point.

At 8 o'clock Big Brother calls the group into the main lounge to gather before nominations. Individually each housemate is called to nominate two people to be evicted.

Matty votes Adam Bell for being "a thick c*nt"

Adam votes Matty for being "a thick b@stard"

Alex votes Adam and Matty for both being "thick tw@ts"

Lunn tells Big Brother that he wants Keady out this time and is gonna do everything he can to get him evicted. He then tells Big Brother that he is actually 'Admirer Of All'.

Quinny votes for himself as he isn't coming to terms with the loss of Gubbini.

As the night draws to a close the group are all unbelievably bored. Due to Margret's day off there is no-one behind the bar and so no-one can buy a pint. However with the time approaching 11 o'clock Brendan suggests that the lads just 'borrow' the alcohol. This suggestion is to say the least very well recieved and the bar is dry by 11:30 with all the lads bar Dermott and Quinny unconcious and on the floor. "C'mon get up boys get up yer f, yer f, yer fuuuckin we've only just started" Quinny shoutsbefore breaking into song with Dermott "I have fallen for another see can maker own way home..."

Day 7
Its 7 o'clock and the bhoys, who are sprawled across the room, are awoke by the sound of Margret opening the front door. Refreshed that she has just had her first day off for 5 years she gleefully opens the door to the bar. "Bee Jesus, where has all the drinks gone?" she says in a shocked manner. Tip-toeing silently out of the room the housemates leave to go upstairs.
At around 9 o'clock Big Brother calls the group to assemble in the main room as they have an announcement:

"This is Big Brother. The house-owner has approached us today and we understand that you took it upon yourselves to 'borrow' the alcohol behind the bar. This is of breach of the rules and therefore a consequence must be paid. We would take the cost of the drinks out of your weekly budget but unfortunately £16.76 doesn't quite cover the thousands of pounds replacing the drink will cost. Instead the money will come from the funds you have raised over the season. However, Big Brother believes that isn't punishment enough and so we will be issuing you with a complex task, with the consequence of you failing being that all 4 nominees will be evicted tonight. Thank you."

The group are literally stunned and are now begining to regret their actions. Indeed only Keady actually heard the whole of the Big Brother message as the remaining 16 housemates left to throw-up in the toilet during the speach. Keady informs the group on their return.

At around midday Big Brother announces to the group that the task they will perform is to go until 11 o'clock tonight without consuming any alcohol whatsoever. The group are relived and Johnny says "That must be the easy task in the world. I mean we drank the bar dry last night so there's nothing for us to drink..." before he is rudely interupted by the sound of 8 Carling lorries pulling up outside. "B@gger" remarks Lunn.

By 7 o'clock the bar is fully functioning again and Margret uses the opportunity to tease the lads by offering them a free drink each. At which point the whole of the group jump on top of Cashel to prevent him moving towards Margret. Margret goes that step further by diliberatly not ordering soft drinks until the next day so that the bhoys cannot drink even that.

Shortly afterwards Big Brother announces the results of the nominations:

"There are 4 housemates up for nomination today. If by 11 o'clock no one has drank any alcohol then the 2 with the most votes will be evicted. However, if the task is not completed all 4 nominees will be evicted at 11:30 tonight. The housemates up for eviction today are, in alphabetical order:

Simon Chatten;

Tom Davies;

Adam Lunn; and

Miles O'Donnell"

The reactions are mixed. Simon isn't to bothered as his supplies have been narrowed down to only an ounce having brought in the equivalent of a large garden in with him. Miles sulks and asks the group how they plan to win back any of the weekly budget on Bandit if he leaves, for which the rest of the group all turn and kick themselves. Tom isn't too bothered neither as, well, he isn't affected by many things. However, Lunn enters a fit of rage and trashes the room throwing the TV out of the window, claiming it to be "rock'n'roll", for which Big Brother then announces that the cost of refurbishment and the replacemeny of furniture will also come out of the IC's team funds for the season. "It's a bl00dy good job subs were £15 a match now" says Quinny. Taking the rock'n'roll thing a bit too far, Lunn tries to get to the bar, however, it takes 16 men to hold him back.

As the time approaches 10:45pm Lunn has finally calmed down and the group sit quietly in the run facing away from the bar doing all they can to not think of alcohol. Having not been able to drink soft drinks due to Margret's cruel joke the thirst gets a little too much for Matty who gets so desparate for a drink he asks if anyone would be willing to pi55 in his mouth so he doesn't dehydrate. McGowan is the only one who puts himself forward as "i've always wanted to pi55 over you Matty you fat b@stard". The group shut their eyes whilst McGowan directs his urine into Matty's mouth. "Do you have to fcukin' slurp Matty" shouts Donal at one point. When finished Matty claims that the pi55 didn't taste that bad and it has sure has hell meant he won't pass out, however, when Johnny warns him that he still may pass out as he has gone 15mins without a pork pie, Matty sprints off to feed himself before infact passing out on the spot.

As 11pm approaches the housemates countdown the clock and there is a massive erruption as the clock ticks 11:00 as the task is complete. Big Brother them makes an announcement:

"Could Cashel please report to the diary room"

The celebrations continue as McGowan makes his way to Big Brother. McGowan returns to the group and when asked what Big Brother wanted he replies "Oh nothing just a urine sample. They must've thought i might give Matty some disease." Five minutes later Big Brother makes another announcement:

"Good evening housemates this is Big Brother. I am sorry but you have failed your task. It has come to the attention of Big Brother that Cashel's urine, which was drank by Matthew, was as a result of 17 years excessive drinking 99.9% alcohol. The four nominees will have to leave the house in 20mins. Thank you"

The group are furious and turn to try and find Matty to beat the out of him. However, Matty is still unconcious and the group realise that as McGowan's pi55 was 99.9% alcohol and that Matty probably drankl the equivalent of a pint, he could in fact be dead. However, a few minutes later Matty awakes slightly pi55ed but ok and not harmed. Doctors revealed that the excess pork pies Matty has eaten during his life-time soaked up the alcohol thus keeping him alive. The group still beat the sh1t out of him, however, for costing them the task.

At 11:30pm Miles, Adam, Simon and Tom leave the house leaving 13 housemates to recharge themselves with a good nights sesh.

Day 8

The 13 remaining housemates awake late in the morning hungover after yesterdays late session, to face the start of their second week in the Big Brother house. At midday Big Brother addresses the group.

"Good morning housemates this is Big Brother. Today at 7pm you will all be asked to nominate two housemates for tomorrows eviction. Todayalso see's the weeks task, which we will give you 6 hours to practice begining now. The task is to complete the assault course, which is now set up on the dancefloor, as a group in 5minutes, each housemate must complete the task. One mistake will mean the task is failed. You must report to Big Brother in one hour stating the % of the budget you wish to gamble on. Thank you."

Excitedly the group rush to the dancefloor and are amazed at the sight of a massive assault course which is set up for them. There are a few instructions which Keady takes it upon himself to read. He informs the group that they are not allowed to touch the floor with any part of their body once they begin the course and that the last person must reach the finish line before 5 minutes is up.

The group all decide to practice as they are to gamble 70% on passing the task. Matty passes up on practicing as he is still feeling the effects of drinking a pint of McGowans alcoholic pi55 yesterday, so he goes upstairs for a lie down. Practices go well with Quinny and Keady leading the group through countless runs through. However the group at the present time are only managing around 7 minutes in completing and so Keady decides that instead of practicing he should go through tactics in how to perform the course. Keady sits the lads down and gets his board out with several sketches of the course. "Remember lads there is no 'I' in team. We need to work together." After 3 hours of endless instruction the bhoys now know what they are to do almost to script. "Clarkey you know Donal doesn't have much balance so you hold his hand when walking across the pole. Donal you know Clarkey is only 2ft tall so when we get the the wall you put him on your shoulders so he can get over", and so on. With only an hour of their practice time remaining the group now need to crack on with practicing all they've been taught. The first few practices go very badly with one completion (though in a time of 6mins 27secs) and two failures. "We're in a war and we're flippin' fighting ourselves" Damo cries at one point. However in the final 2 practices the group complete the task both times in just under the 5mins.

At 6pm Big Brother announces that all 13 housemates must now make their way to the dancefloor to attempt at completing the course. At this point Bobby remembers Matty is still upstairs sleeping off his hangover. Totally unaware of how to complete it Matty is a nervous wreck, and Keady's masterplan seems to have gone out of the window.

The group begin their task as Bobby makes a special effort to make sure matty doesn't put a foot wrong. When Matty gets to the swinging rope he successfully swings across and swings the rope back to Brendan. "BRENDAN'S" Matty shouts before Brendan replies "DON'T CALL MY NAME!!!". Due to his inexperience Matty is lagging behind the rest of the group as they come to completing the task. At 4mins 20secs Adam Bell is the first to finish. Several others follow shortly and by 4mins 40secs 11 housemates have completed it. All that is left is Alex and Matty who have only got a tunnel to climb through. Alex wizzes through it, however, disaster strikes as Matty becomes stuck in the tunnel. The group begin to panic and Damo shouts to Alex "turn back and stick your hands down Matty's throat", so just before reaching the line Alex climbs back into the tunnel and quickly sticks his fingers down Mattys throat. Matty immediately throws up and the slight weighloss allows Matty to break free and cross the line in 4mins 58secs, thus completing the task.

Celebrations begin as the group are individually called to the Diary room to make their nominations.

Damo votes for Cashel for being a "flippin' idiot, ferrrrlippin'!!!"

Quinny votes for Bobby as his constant all night texting to Loz is keeping him awake every night.

Matty votes Cashel also for nearly killing him the day before.

Brendan votes Matty for constantly calling his name.

As the nominations end the group settle next to the bar and have a quiet drink with Cashel leading a discussion about "that little chestnut called love". For Alex and Clarkey its hard after their recent shaftings and both agree never to fall into the trap of a brick again. "I'm gonna remain single for approximately the next 15.78 years" Alex says. Bobby tries convincing the boys that he's not under the thumb but when Dermott slyly pinches his phone from Bobbys pocket and reads out a text from Loz telling Bobby to leave the house. Bobby embarrasingly tells the group that he needs to leave and has even voted himself out. However, the lads tell him that for once he must stand up for himself and put his foot down and so Bobby reluctantly agrees to stay. The conversation turns to Donal. "Hows things with your doris Donal" Johnny asks him. "Oh i'm not seeing her boys". "Oh right sorry mate," says Johnny "what went wrong." "Oh nothing. It's just I can't see her with me being so tall and her being so small I struggle to see her with the naked eye. Other than that things are fine."

At 11pm the group finish drinking for the night as the depressing talk seems to have taken its toll on many of the lads.

Day 9

It’s the ninth day for the 13 housemates and for 2 it will be their last. Keady wakes the group up at 10 o’clock as Big Brother has asked for the groups shopping list to be submitted at midday. The group call a meeting to discuss what they are to spend the money on. “Get loadsa Stella’s boys. I love lager me. I’m always out y’know?” Alex suggests. The idea of Stella’s is welcomed by everyone with Clarkey pointing out that Stella is the one thing the IC has been lacking in the past. 50% of the budget is agreed to be spent on Stella, 25% on food and 25% on wax.

As the group prepare for tea Damo notices that there is one empty seat at the table laid out. A quick head count by Keady confirms that Damo is correct and that it’s Quinny who’s missing so the group set about finding him. A few minutes later the boys hear a loud scream coming from the toilets. “ARGH!!!! Boys quick come here!!!” shouts Adam “Quinny’s taked an overdose!!!” All the rest of the group rush to where Adam is standing and are faced with the sight of Quinny almost dead with a needle stuck in his arm. Damo immediately takes action remembering a first aid course he did last year. “Check for danger. No danger” he tells himself before telling Donal to call an ambulance. “Check for response. No response. Check for pulse. No pulse. Bo11ocks,” so Damo attempts to give Quinny mouth to mouth and presses down his chest. He manages to half revive Quinny before the ambulance arrives and within a few hours Quinny is back up on his feet. It turns out that Quinny had almost OD’d on a class A, and Clarkey is immediately blamed. “What you on about,” Clarkey says “I didn’t get him it!!”

By the evening the group are bored and are sat around racking their brains to think of something to do. “We could have a game of footy” suggests Adam “I mean we are a football team aren’t we?”. Keady then decides that the group shall have a cupies tournament on the dancefloor. Bobby goes to the diary room to ask Big Brother if they can have a portable goal post to use and Big Brother says that he’ll get back to them shortly. Meanwhile the group argue about who’s going with who and eventually the teams are decided. Clarkey straight away turns to Keady “Keady go with me and you can be mixer, and I’ll do the running and then boot it to you to mix it!!” Keady enthusiastically agrees saying “It’ll just be like the old days”. Matty doubles up with Adam to form the ‘mentally challenged duo’, Alex with Quinny, Dermott with Bobby, McGowan and Johnny and Damo pairs up with Donal with Brendan reluctantly going in goals. Big Brother then calls the group to the diary room and gives them the portable goals.

First round is only a quiet one, with only 5 fights, 4 broken noses, 23 penalty appeals and Quinny  hobbling off after picking up an injury. However, a wonder goal from Alex see’s him and Quinny go through and Quinny is expected to be fit for the next round. A beautiful chip into the penalty area by Clarkey see’s Keady nod in a simple header to send them through. The round comes to a close when Johnny and McGowan knock out Donal and Damo who played far to cautiously, “You can flippin’ kick the ball without using your side foot Donal, flippin’ ferrrrrrrlippin’!!!” cries Damo at their exit.

In the second round Alex does “approximately 56.7 keepie-ups” and volleys past Brendan only to be denied by the post. However, McGowan is stood a yard from goal to head in the rebound. Johnny sprints after him in jubilation and squirts a bottle of Archers into McGowans mouth when he lies down on the floor a la Gazza. Bobby tells Dermott a joke and both lie around in hysterics allowing Adam to strike a left foot shot past Brendan to eliminate Bob and Dermott. In the semi-final Matty scores to knock out Cashel and Johnny and to join Keady and Clarkey in the final. However, the final cannot be played as, in a fit of rage, Cashel characteristically boots the ball and it goes out of the house via the window it smashes on its way. Big Brother won’t allow the group to go outside to retrieve it so the game ends there.

At 9pm Big Brother addresses the group:

“Good evening housemates, this is Big Brother. There are four people up for eviction today, two of which will be evicted at 11:30 tonight, chosen by the voting public. The housemates up for nomination are, in alphabetical order:



Clarkey; and

Donal. Thank you”

Adam is distraught, he can’t understand why the boys he’s grown up with are voting him out of the house. “Get a grip Adam,” Quinny says “you have to vote for someone though don’t ya?”. Donal is also deeply affected and stares down at his pint. “By happy you’re still here after 9 days Donal” Cashel unsympathetically shouts at him “you’ve usually done one after half an hour!”. However, it seems Donal has hit an all time low. Bobby and Clarkey on the other hand are pretty much unaffected by the news. “If we get evicted, fancy doin’ a few laps Clarke?” says Bobby. “Yeah sure, just a few, and only for the scan.”

With only 2 and a half hours ‘til the eviction the lads settle down in the room for the nights drinking. “For some it’s the end of an era. For others it could be a whirlwind of optimism. Either way there’s no disputing that it’s a shepherds pie of emotions,” is Matty’s philosophical view of the situation.

Bored with just the endless sitting around Cashel suggests a game of ‘Would You Scrape?’. The lads agree though some are reluctant, most notably Damo “A good idea mate, but the people are probably flippin’ watchin’ at home mate.” “Fine then Damo don’t play,” says Matty, before Damo gets up out of his seat and says “I flippin’ won’t play. You we’re never there for me, you never knew me. Take the flippin’ locket you flippin’ flipper” whilst taking the necklace from around his neck and throwing it on the floor and storms to the other end of the room.

“Ok” says McGowan “First up we’ll have Zara. Would you scrape?” and before the lads can open their mouths Damo lets out a scream from the other end of the room “Yeah I flippin’ would!! I’m not obsessed though boys.”

(Big Brother then went temporary off air as the lads discussed the ‘scrapability’ of Rachael K, Rachel R, Lucy W, Lucy P, Sinead, Roseann and Cath Tyas (Matty said he would) amongst others – so if you wanna know the rest…buy the rights…how bizarre, how bizarre)

At 11:30 Big Brother addresses the group:

“Hello Big Brother house, this is Big Brother. Over the last day Joe Public has been voting for who should be evicted from the house. The phone lines have been non-stop jammed and we have received a record number of votes. 67million in total. The two housemates to be evicted will be …Bobby and Donal. You will have 15mins to say your goodbyes before you are asked to leave.”

For Bobby it is a big relief for he finally gets to see his beloved Loz. Donal sinks into further depression “first the boys disown me by voting me out and now the public”. Adam Bell is ecstatic “Just thing all those Doris outside trying to keep me on their screens.”

The two bid their goodbyes to the group and just as they are about to leave through the front door Big Brother makes an urgent announcement:

“Housemates this is Big Brother. This is an urgent message. It has come to our attention that the voting public have fixed the result of todays eviction vote. Having looked into the voting we can see that 60million of the 67million votes were made by a Miss Laura Branston all voting for Bobby to be evicted. We have found it only fair to cancel out those 60million votes which means that Adam is the one to join Donal in eviction. We are sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you.”

Adam tries to hide his sheer disappointment by trying to act coolly, and not even this setback can dent Adam’s forever growing ego “Just think of all those Doris outside who miss me so much they have to vote me out,” he says whilst leaving.

And then there were 11...

Day 10

The housemates awake at 10am by the sound of Damo talking in his sleep “Allllllright mate” followed by some language understood by only him and extra-terrestrials. “Shut the fcuk up Damo” shouts Dermott whist holding his head to prevent his hangover getting any worse than it currently is. Shortly before midday the group are told by Big Brother that there will be yet another set of votes for eviction. Brendan realising that the winning prize is getting ever nearer as the days pass begins to fear that he may be put up for eviction. In a bid to prevent this he works his way around the group telling each housemate that they are the only ones in the house he can relate to. Except that is for McGowan, Brendan stays well clear of him as, well, no one can really relate to what goes on in Cashel’s mind.

The afternoon drags on and the housemates are becoming ever bored with the life inside Big Brother. “I wish I’d been allowed to leave yesterday” Bobby ponders. Quinny decides that enough is enough and storms off to the diary room demanding that Big Brother provides a bit of entertainment for the group. “Ask for porn” shouts Matty as Quinny sets off.

An hour later Big Brother calls Quinny back to the diary room. When Quinny returns he is carrying out with him 11 virtual headsets and tells the group that they are to use the headsets to play a game of Virtual Soccer against an animated side. Once the headsets are placed over the head each housemates will be placed in a game situation, when they walk forward as does their player on the headset. Big Brother tells them that to enter the pitch they must be on the dance floor and move around as they wish from there.

As the group struggle to hide their excitement Keady keeps his calm and tells the group that tactics are important and so sits them down to discuss the formation they will play.

“Brendan you go in goals. Bobby and Cashel go wingbacks, me, Quinny and Damo centre halves. Midfield is Matty, Alex and Clarkey with Dermott and Johnny upfront. OK, we don’t know what this team are gonna be like, but we aren’t gonna take it easy cos the chances are they’ll be good. Let’s go out and show ‘em who’s the twice double winners. C’mon!!!”

The bhoys take to the dancefloor each wearing their headsets and form a huddle for which Keady tries some last minute instructions. “Come on bhoys lets take the game to them. Keep it tight first five minutes then…” before he is rudely interrupted by Alex’s constant “c’mon bhoys, c’mon bhoys, c’mon C’MON, C’MON!!!!”.

The game starts off in true IC shakey style with the bhoys being pressed back by a very organized Select XI. Immediately the defense are in a blazing row with the midfield led by Damo and Quinny, causing Matty to loose his head and throw his arms around. After 10 minutes Select XI play a through ball and believing that Brendan is favourite Matty shouts Brendan’s ball. However fearing for his phobia of outside the 6 yard box Brendan is hesitant to come off his line and when he does he collides with Damo who used his pace well to get infront of the forward. As the pair collide the Select XI No.9 has a simple tap in and makes it 1-0. Brendan gets up and bo11ocks Matty “Don’t call my name!!!!!” whilst Damo is flat out on the floor. After the 5 minutes of arguing over who was to blame for the goal Quinny decides to see how Damo is. Damo tries standing up and telling Quinny that he’s OK but as he stands he falls straight back down losing his balance and shouting “blabbabagh-flippin’-blllllllllahbublah”. Quinny and Keady grab him and carry him off the pitch and for the remainder of the half IC are down to 10 men and thus are 2-0 down at the interval. Clearly, due to the abysmal first half performance the bhoys are missing Chris Helliwell’s tactical knowledge, but Keady does his best to reorganize and IC take to the field for the second half with a now recovered Damo. “I’m a bit fcukin’ dazed but I’ll be alright” says Damo to Matty. “Y’what Damo?” Matty says absolutely baffled. “I’m fcukin’ dazed” shouts Damo “are you fcukin deaf?”. Matty notices that not all is right with Damo and his now foul language and so hits him across the head. “Flippin’ eck mate, what did you do that to me?”. Matty turns around relieved that his pal is back to normal.

IC start the second half a totally new team. A long ball upfield reaches Johnny who plays a one-two with his strike partner Dermott, Johnny goes for the nutmeg and pulls it off like a dream before whipping a perfect cross straight to the head of Dermott who buries it in the top corner - 1-2. As IC reform for the centre Matty tries acting like the captain by shouting “C’mon boys think of it as 0-0. We don’t stop here!!!” to which Alex points out that we’re losing 2-1, but Matty doesn’t think that’s the point.

With 15 minutes remaining IC still trail as Clarke sets off on a winding run from midfield. As he reaches the edge of the area his is tripped by the defender and IC win a free kick. Quinny, Matty and Alex all rush over to claim the kick and whilst they are arguing over who shall take it Dermott spots the keeper unaware and plants the ball in the bottom corner to the keepers left, making it 2-2.

Then with just 3 minutes remaining Select XI win a corner. The ball is swung in the air and met by the head of their tall centre half. The ball flies past a stranded Brendan only to be heroically cleared of the line by Captain Fantastic Chris Keady. As the ball is cleared Matty is the first to win it just outside the area. He sets off on a winding run dribbling past 3 men before spotting a great run from Alex. With a defense cutting pass Alex is one on one with only the keeper to beat. “It’s just like Ossett!!!!” Quinny shouts. However, the keeper spreads himself well and blocks Alex’s shot with the ball cannoning up in the air. The ball looks to be going over the head of Dermott until he spectacularly executes a scissor kick into the corner of the empty net to complete a memorable comeback and an amazing hat-trick. All the team run to Dermott in jubilation to celebrate possibley the winning goal. Except Brendan who stays in his goal and sings the second verse of ‘Let It Be’.

Minutes later the whistle goes and IC celebrate a great victory by running over to the bar and order 11 snakeos from Margret.

As the celebrations continue Big Brother announces to the group that a new set of nominations will be made and calls each housemates to the diary room individually.

Damo and Quinny vote for Alex, Matty and Clarkey. In other words the midfield.

Big Brother cannot make out who Cashel has voted for as he is so fcuked.

Brendans ploy of telling each housemate that he can ‘relate’ to them works as he receives no votes.

Neither does Dermott.

Soon the celebrations die down as one by one the housemates collapse due to severe alcohol consumption, except Alex who hasn’t had a sip of alcohol as his virtual headset is stuck on his ever expanding big head.

Day 11
(said in a terribley annoying and overrated Geordie accent) Day 11 in the Big Brother house. 10:48am Alex is the only one up. He managed to get his virtual headset off only 3 hours ago and has been unable to get to sleep. He decides to cook the housemates breakfast for when they wake up.
At 11:30 Alex calls the housemates that are still in bed to get up and have breakfast. "Fcuk off Alex i'm trying to get some sleep" yells Matty "yeah but I've made you all bacon and sausage sanggers though" Alex replies. "I'll be right there mate. Don't move!!!" shouts Matty at the top of his voice as he jumps out of bed and changes downstairs to the breakfast table. Thing is Matty is so hungry he's either forgotten he is wearing no clothes or that he is quite warming to nudity.

Today is nomination day. The group have yet to find out who faces the publics eviction vote. "I wouldn't mind going this week lads y'know" says Keady. "Yeah its got a bit boring and well I miss Viz" says Quinny before he is rudely interupted by an over enthusiastic Dermott "Are you lads having a laugh? This is fcukin excellent! I mean I know I'm in IC all the time anyway but half that time it's just me, Margret and Joe Kelly and it drags on a bit then, but now I'm with you guys it's ace." Dermott also goes on to confess that he's really 18 and not 24. But that he's been 18 for 6 years now. And that doctors say that he'll stay 18 for the rest of his life. And that its some sort of disease called Peter-Pan-disease or something. The lads don't pay much attention to him though and miss Dermotts first and last ever serious conversation.

Nothing much really happens today, and the highlight of the afternoon is that Big Brother calls Johnny into the diary room and tells the ginger one that 'IC Big Brother' is the 2nd most successful programme on Irish TV of all time, behind Ballykissangel. So successful that RTE have devoted their channel entirely to cover the goings on in the house 24hours a day. "Apparantly shows have been fetching audiences of nearly 4million and we are all A-list celebrities in Ireland now," Johnny tells the group after informing them of the news.

At 9pm Big Brother address the group to inform them of the results of yesterdays vote.

"Good evening housemates. There are 4 people up for eviction tonight. 2 will leave the house at 12:15 tonight and will recieve a taxi to Viz on our behalf. The 4 people up for eviction tonight are, in alphabetical order:



Matty; and


Thank you."

Quinny is shell-shocked at the news. It is the first time he has been up for eviction. Matty is equally as shocked. He was nominated by his housemates in the first nominations but has since avoided the public vote. Bobby and Clarkey are both up for eviction for the second week running, having survived the public vote two days ago. "We must be popular" says Clarkey rather optimistically.

In celebration of the great news earlier in the afternoon the lads embark on a massive sesh and discuss what they are going to do with their new found fame once they're out. "Viz probably" says McGowan, before someone points out that they don't mean as soon as they get out they mean career-wise. Keady is the only one who wants to stay out of the limelight, whereas others discuss setting up strip clubs, brothels amogst other things but many favour the limelight of pop stardom. “Think I’m gonna give it a go. And if that fails I’ll become a nude-model” suggests.

By midnight the group are virtually all paralytic and eviction awaits for 2 housemates in just 15mins.

Day 12
Big Brother house this is Davina. You are live on Channel 4 and RTE so please do not swear. Cashel i said do not swear. I...Cashel!!!...I said don't swear!!!'d like to do what to me???...I don't care that you'd like to do that to me I'm married and have a kid!!! Thank you. For the past week the nation has been voting for who is to be the next two housemates to be evicted from the Big Brother house. The phone lines are now closed and i can reveal that the 9th and 10th housemates to leave are...Matty and Quinny. Lads you have 15mins to say your goodbyes before you will be asked to leave the house.”

The news of the two evictees has shocked the group. Both Matty and Quinny are inconsolable but both attempt to put on a brave face, despite the taunts from Bobby and Clarkey who ran quickly to the bar and ordered Margret to fill up the Cup with whatever she can find, as the pair have escaped eviction for the second week running.

As Quinny and Matty leave Cashel points out that he can hear a distinctive voice outside saying “MAFFFFEWWW, hurry up Maffffewwwww. I told you not to get naked in the house Maffffffewwww” and reckons it could be Mattys mum. Alex also reckons he saw Gubbini waiting outside for Quinny.

After a few hours drinking the housemates go to bed at 3am, with the days eviction clearly taking a lot out of them. That is except Bobby and Clarkey who stay up all night celebrating and talking about love. “D’you know what I…what I…(burp)…what I lllllllove most about…about Loz Clarkey?” “W…what Bob?” and before Bobby can answer he’s flat out on the floor unconscious.

At 1pm the only housemates up are Clarkey and Bobby who are busy throwing up in the toilets after drinking 2 and a half U-18 Cups worth of Margrets Mix in the early hours of the morning. However, they are still in a celebratory mood “The public must love us Clarke” says Bobby.

At 2:30pm all of the housemates are up except Johnny.

At 3:15pm Johnny wakes up and has some cornflakes which Alex has made for him for breakfast. “Did you put any sugar on the Al?” “No I figured you didn’t want sugar on them cos you don’t like Frosties do ya?” “No I don’t, but I still like Cornflakes with sugar on them!!!”

Prior to the next set of nominations Brendan makes his way around the group to try and ensure that he doesn’t receive any votes. He’s also worked out that Bobby and Clarkey must be popular outside after twice escaping the public vote. He figures that if he can get most people to vote for those 2 again as well as Keady and Johnny (who everyone knows must be popular outside) then he can get rid of 2 of them, increasing his chances of winning.

Brendan tells Clarkey and Bobby that Johnny told him he wished Matty and Quinny had stayed in and that Keady said that neither of them added anything to the group.

Brendan tells Johnny that Clarkey said he was a lazy . He also says to Damo that he heard that Bobby wishes he never knew Damo.

Brendan informs Keady that Bobby told him he still has feelings for Joanna (after all those years ago) and is hoping to ask her to give it another go when he gets out.

He then informs Bobby that Keady said that Chris Helliwell said he was the son he wishes he had.

At 5pm Big Brother calls each housemate individually to the diary room for the next set of nominations.

Brendans plan goes almost according to plan, with Bobby and Clarkey again receiving many votes. However Keady and Johnny only receive votes off a few. It seems Keady and Johnnys nice-guy impressions are a bit to strong for even Brendan to get rid of.

Brendan, however, again receives no votes. He has yet to receive a vote in the Big Brother house.

The evening is spent trationally around the bandit machine with the drinks flowing out from the bar.

At 7pm Big Brother calls Damo into the diary room. With his go on the bandit on 2 swags and 4 nudges he tells the lads to not touch it whilst he goes to the diary room. Big Brother tells Damo that they will receive a task tomorrow and that they need to all be up by 12 midday to prepare, so an early night is advised. When Damo returns from the diary room he attempts to inform the group however he is interrupted at the sound of Dermott taking £40 from the bandit. Dermott refuses to hand it over saying that he won it. The argument continues with a lot of “flippin’s” and “never knew me’s” in the end the money is divided between them, much to Damo’s disgust.

At 9pm Big Brother addresses the group, to give results of the nominations.

“This is Big Brother. 5 housemates are up for eviction. The two with the most votes will be evicted tomorrow. The 5 housemates are, in alphabetical order:




Dermott; and


Johnny’s eviction comes as a great surprise to the housemates, all except Brendan who is quietly pleased that 3 out of 4 isn’t bad, though he knows he’s gonna have to spread worse things about Keady to get him nominated.

Alex is gutted about being nominated for the first time “with Quinny and Matty leaving, it just shows anything can happen”.

Bobby and Clarkey aren’t surprised that they have been put up for eviction for the third consecutive time and Dermott fails to realise he’s been nominated as he’s too busy drinking away his bandit winnings. He only finds out when Damo comes up to him and says he “flippin’ hopes the public vote him out”.

Close to midnight Damo makes another attempt at the bandit and comes away with a whooping £80. This calls for massive celebrations alround as the 9 remaining housemates drink away the winnings. Damo takes the opportunity to apologise to Dermott “Alright mate!! Soz mate. Didn’t mean to say those things its just I never knew you then. But now I do”

At 2am with the celebrations still continuing Damo remembers that Big Brother had told him to tell the group about being up at 12 for the task, so in a drunken state he tells the group to go to bed. However, most of the group are already bolloxed and asleep on the floor asleep.

Day 13

Its Day 13 in the big Brother house. 9 housemates remain, though by 10 o’clock tonight only 7 will be left. Today Big Brother will set the group a task.

It’s 11:30am and all the housemates are in bed. Yesterday Damo was called into the diary room to tell the rest of the group that a task will be set at 12 midday today and that all housemates must be up.

11:45am Big Brother makes an urgent announcement to the group telling them to wake up as a task will be set in 15mins. The housemates stagger out of bed and downstairs whilst hailing abuse at Damo, for not telling them sooner about the task. Severely hungover and exhausted after only a few hours sleep the housemates pray in hope that they won’t be given a task which involves any physical work or requires them to eat, drink or come into contact with anything which passes though the stomach. 3 minutes later Big Brother addresses the group.

“Good morning housemates this is Big Brother. In the main room there are 9 tredmills set up on the dancefloor. On the bar is an envelope with the instructions of your task.”

Brendan who is stood closest to the bar opens the envelope and reads it to the group:

“Your task is to use the tredmills to run the distance to and from several pubs in town. At each pub you will have to down a drink as quick as you can before moving on to the next destination. The destinations are as follows – Start at IC and down a pint of Guiness, Weatherspoons to down a bottle of Reef and a bottle of Becks, Varsity to down 2 aftershocks and 2 pints of Fosters before heading to Viz to down 3 bottles of any VK of your choice. Then a sprint up to Sizlers to eat a piece of chicken and chips. You will have 30 minutes to complete the course

The housemates are gutted and realise they stand no chance of completing the course, though the vomit part seems achievable. So they decide to only risk 5% on completing. That is before Brendan points out “Oh it says something at the bottom of this paper! Yeah…Ah…small problem. It says “if you fail the task you will all be living on basic rations for 4 days” so I guess we don’t have to choose a percent to gamble on”

Big Brother then tells the group that the task will start in 2 minutes, so the lads make their way towards the tredmills.

“Come on heads up lads,” says Damo optimistically “it could be worse”. At which point McGowan takes a swing at Damo shouting “How could it be any fcukin worse!!!”

The task is under way and the housemates get off to a good start by sinking the Guiness in an impressive time. The run down to Weatherspoons is also done quick as it’s downhill and the drinks there are finished before 4 minutes is up. The run to Varsity, however, sees many of the housemates struggling and the group are a bit of the pace. The drinks in Varsity are finished on 9 mins and the lads arrive at their Viz VK’s with half their time remaining. However, they have underestimated the uphill run to Sizlers and it takes them over 10minutes before they are handed the chicken and chips. Alex is lagging behind blaming his current performance on the fact he has no slow twitch fibres in his entire body and so endurance running isn’t his thing. Clarkey (due to his pace) and Keady (due to his lightening fast downing speed) are the first to finish with 2mins to spare. With a minute remaining Alex, McGowan and Johnny are still eating and are forcing it into their mouths. Brendan, however, has only just reached Sizlers and has to eat the chicken and chips in under 30seconds. It seems that the 2 years stood on his goalline having feck all to do except sing ‘Let It Be’ has had an affect on Brendan’s fitness. While the lads preparing to come to terms that they’ll be living poor for the next 4 days Brendan miraculously fits all the food in his mouth in one, due to the freaky talent he has formed from spending several years fitting 3210's into his mouth. Big Brother announces that the group have passed the task.

In celebration the group prepare to go on a large drinking session, though that idea dies on its ar5e when one by one each housemate collapses with exhaustion.

By 5pm the group have recovered. Cashel reminds the group that tomorrow is his 18th birthday and says he wishes he was up for eviction so that he can leave in time to celebrate properly. (see below for the poll of the choices – I must point out that the names are purely fictious and any similarities are purely coincidental)


Rachael K

Rachael R

Lucy W

Cathryn T


Lucy G

Lucy P



Sarah H


Cashel then leaves the diary room with a mile wide grin and informs the rest of the group about the birthday treat. Damo is a bit pi55ed off that it doesn’t feature Zara, and Keady points out that the list basically a list of ex’s and that Big Brother should have made the list more varied with other famous Huddersfield doris in, such as ‘The Most Beautiful Girl In The World TM’ doris. Clarkey agrees saying that the list should have at least included ‘The Girl From Varsity With The Nicest Ar5e In The World’ doris. Matty says it just looks like a list of his ex’s.

The group spend the next 2 hours discussing who they’d like to perform for them, whilst doing another activity. Which involves drinking a lot and getting bollixed.

9pm – the group have now been drinking solidly for the last 57 hours. Except McGowan who’s been drinking pretty solidly for the last 11 years. Davina announces to the group the results of tonight’s nominations: -

“Good evening housemates this is Davina. Cashel please do not swear…”

“Get yer r@t out Davina!!!” shouts Cashel

“…the 11th and 12th housemates to leave the Big Brother house will be…Alex and Dermott”

The results have come as a big shock to the group as many thought both would be favourites to win it. Johnny is please he gets to stay and Bobby and Clarkey yet again have survived the public vote. It’s the 3rd consecutive time they’ve escaped and they are clearly delighted.

However, Brendan isn’t. His plan to try get Keady, Johnny, Clarkey or Bobby evicted has totally failed with all of them staying. While the rest of the housemates enjoy more drinking Brendan retreats to his bed to rethink his tactics.

11pm – Alex and Dermott walk out of the Big Brother House (aka the IC).

Results of the last eviction:
Alex - 37%

Bobby - 15%

Clarkey - 15%

Dermott - 17%

Johnny - 15%

Poll cancelled. Comments got a bit offensive.

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