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Osemkan Dictionary

Albanian Spazmoid: A female(possibly) with one arm, no legs, and hideously deformed features. Attracted to the more desparate members of the Osemkan squad, especially those with bleached hair. Native of Eastern Europe, centering on Prague.

AndersCup: Annual Polish football competition where currently Osemka B out do Osemka A.

Barbeque: An annual event at Witko's where Osemkans get plastered,enjoy watching videos of past glories in Anders Cup and fan/groupie adoration.

Biffa: A large hair styling that looks like something worn by a character out of a 70's Blaxplotation movie.

Bontcho: i) to fall over theatrically, earning a free-kick ii) to have very grey hair at a young age.

Celebration: smaller version of famous confectionary items(Maltesers, Mars, Bounty, etc).

Chunky: to control a football travelling at high speed with one's genitals.

Clearance: something Stu has to get off Nikki for a night out with the team.

Coach: somebody with a thankless task, to turn a bunch of losers into a bunch of runners-up.

Control: what other teams would consider clearing a ball, Osemkans would deem as controlling a ball

Cross bar: part of Stu's kit that enables him to keep the score in single figures.

Defeat: somewhere to put your new Nikes.

Draw: result of a match we should have won!

Free-kick: something we give lots of to the opposition, of the football, normally quite near goal.

Goal: something we concede lots of.

Half-time team talk: "anyone got a lighter?"

Haymaker: A wild swipe at the ball by an Osemkan, usually a defender. Can result in the Osemkan hitting ball with their standing leg(see Standing Leg).

Hockey nets: large unyielding objects placed at strategic points round the pitch for unfortunate Osemkans to career into.

Hoof: i) to get the ball away from the Osemkan goal in any direction ii) something that an Albanian Spazmoid would have in place of feet.

Kaca: to look like Piotr during a game.

Kurwa: oh darn, another ball in the car park

Massive Biffa: A larger version of a Biffa, making the wearer look like a large mushroom.

Midfield: a place where Old Unfit Osemkans go to die...

Mouloudian: a game that's getting a bit violent, especially one that involves a mass brawl (ie. "it's all gone a bit mouloudian out there..")

Pabs: (as in "He's done a Pabs") to loose your footing whilst crossing an ice-rink, resulting in a comic sequence of foot losing, and arm waving whilst managing to get to the other side without hitting anybody else.

Offside: A player is offside when we shout at Alex that they are offside.

Penalty: the chance to miss in a one-on-one situation from twelve yards

Post: Bomber's way of stopping quickly.

Reynolds: to kick the ball very, very hard and far away...

Rik: a loser! JK's loves to bite his ankles off.

Smitty: to encourage team-mates with lots of swearing.

Standing leg: Used by Osemkan defenders to try and kick the ball with. Mastered by Chunky.

Speed: ask Deano

Stream: small flowing are of water. Somewhere for Mouloudians to put their boots during a match.

Stu: a large object used to keep the score down.

Szmigged: a disease which affects mainly the knees which, for no apparent reason, become red raw and start to spurt blood(eg "I've szmigged my knees really badly")

Szydloed: an osemkan supporter/or injured player giving large grief to our players when winning.

Training: the chance to practise missing penalties, nutmegging Womble, and laughing at Chunky, things that we put into practise during matches at weekends.

Two-touch football: practised a lot in training, this skill involves attempting to control the ball with a players first touch, then trying to concede the throw-in with the second touch after the first one goes wrong.

Well played: Something we always seem to say to the opposition having just been murdered by them.

Whitfield School Playing Fields: a ritual slaughterhouse.

Womble: to be sexually attractive to under-age, pre-pubescent, option-taking, vest-wearing, school-girls.

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