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In a blatant rip-off of the Channel 4 and also now IC idea for Big Brother, Channel 5 has approached Meltham to produce a show in the Big Brother (B.B) style using the Bowling club as the set. Meltham accept the proposal and so the lads prepare to enter the house. 21 will enter, but only one man can win, this will be decided through nominations by the lads, and then a vote on the club website of the nominated men. The show is to last for 10 weeks, and should be grweat fun. The eventual winner gets to spend one night with Mrs. Julie Hanvey. By the way, both Ic and Channel 4, dont be mad at us for stealing your idea, see it as a compliment!


The Contestants:

 *Sam Philpot (10/1)

 *Steven Murphy(25/1)

*Darren Green(20/1)

 *Richard Hanvey(40/1)

 *Sam Wood(50/1)

 *Tom Wood(15/1)

 *Adam Matthews(30/1)

 *Alastair Islip(10/1)

*Jonathon Newiss(20/1)EVICTED

*Ben Traynor(10/1)

 *Shane Kelly(50/1)EVICTED

 *Dean Sykes(10/1)

 *Matthew Varley(15/1)

 *Graham Clay(40/1)

*Chris Morris(100/1)

*Daniel Haigh(100/1) EVICTED

*Simon Blackburn(1000000000000000/1)

*Steven Ramsey(25/1)

 *Wayne Lambert(35/1)EVICTED

 *Johnny B(5/2f) WALKED

*Tom Furber (15/1)EVICTED

 DAY 1: The lads enter the house one-by-one, first to enter is club captain Sam Philpot. Keen to explore his new living area Sam looks around the House. The gents bog stays as it was,and has a shower converted in but the ladies has been converted into a diary room, here the lads can chat privately to B.B from the comfort odf the old girls loo. The kitchen also stays as it was, and the pool table remains in place, surrounded by tables an comfy seats this is now the living area. The Bar is still there, and a sign says that it will open between 7 and 12 each night, with either Poggy or Sandy doing the shift. The top end of the club has been ripped out, the seats are replaced by bunks, for the lads to sleep in. Once everyone is in, Dean shotguns one of the top-bunks, "Best at B.B" he shouts. The lads unpack their gear and than gather in the seating area to discuss the special items each of them has brought. Ever practical Murf has brought First-Aid kit, Bottle-openers, and Candles. Minor has brought in his entire porn collection, which has needed 5 extra suit-cases. All the lads are immpressed with this, and Ramsey notices Varley sneaking off to the toilet with one of the child-porn mags. Other succesful items are Al's playstation, Philpots Football, pump and fold out goals, and grezza's pack of cards. Less succesful things include Varleys picture of Lloydys car and Tom Woods collection of Turkish folk music. The most successful item is Hanveys family photo, most of lads stare at Julie and Charlotte, but Varley is keener on Olivia, and Blaggo seems to be after Keith! Once everyone has seen what the others have brought the lads go out for a game of footy, on the bowling green. A big wall has been built to surround the green, which the lads can now use for what they want, Murf wants to create a vegetable patch! As the game goes on Sykes boasts how he is "Best at footy, therefore Best at B.B. Clay isnt immpressed with his claims and smashes him big time. Dean sulks off inside! The lads follow him in about 6ish for some tea, while Philpot hits the showers. B.B kindly gives the lads the meal of there choice for the first night, but tells them that after this they must make their own food, using their food budget of £10 each per week. Dean rushes his food, and so finishes first, again claiming how he is "Best at B.B". Philpot returns from the showers half naked and Kelly makes the joke about him still having mud on his back, he finds this rather amiusing and chuckles to himself for the rest of the night. After the meal the lads get themselves to the bar and begin to get completely pi55ed. Minor and Haighy being such experienced pub men help Poggy behind the bar and the lads are all soon well pi55ed. Hanvey is chundring in the toilets by 8 o'clock after finishing his 2nd Shandy. Chunk however doesnt join the others and sneaks off to the diary room. Here he secretley spends the entire weeks food budget on McDonalds Cheeseburgers, thats £210s worth!! As the night draws on his joy turns to pain though. The burgers arrive and the others realsie what Chunk has done. Less than happy they thoroughly beat the sh1t out of Chunk and say he must sleep outside for the night. Lambert seems to be missing home already and constanlty talks bitterly about his mother and Damon. Reliable old Murph's services however are called upon sooner than expected as Ramsey trips over drunkenly and breaks his collar bone, this leaving him unable to die his hair illuminous green that night. Philpot goes to the diary room to try and get some of the food budget back, but B.B refuses and so the lads are stuck with the Cheeseburgers and no other food! Dis-heartened the lads go to bed, but are kept awake by Newiss and Traynors constant farting. The smell threatens to kill everyone, but Murf steps in to save the day, using a couple of wine stoppers from behind the bar as temporary butt-plugs. Al seems rather quiet as he goes to his bunk clutching his photo of Tori and drifts off fast. Until Furber and Sykes are caught giggling about jokes regarding Toms brother Jason, others find this sick and are'nt amused. Finally the lads now all drop off to sleep, a little upset at their first day in their new home. After the days events Ladbrookes release some new odds: *Newiss and Traynor both slip to 60/1 *Sykes' boasting leaves him at 25/1 *Clays footballing slashes his odds to 8/1 *and Murf now becomes second favourite at 6/1

 DAY 2 The lads begin to wake at about 11 o'clock, but there is a suprise waiting for them on the bar. Philpot spies a note and reads it aloud to the group, which wakes up those who were still dozing, including a rather annoyed Grez, "Shut the fcuk up Phillis, im gettin a bit of Wilson in". Sam ignores him and reads the note out: Lads I have had to leave the house, I woke up in the middle of the night and realsied i'd left my lights on on the van, i know you lot can manage without me, Good luck to you all, Johnny B The lads are stunned by the note and remain quite for a while, but the silence is interupted by a voice from B.B. "As you have discovered John has left the house, this means there are twenty of you left. This will not affect this weeks eviction, or the task you are to be set. B.B is going to set you a task at 1 o'clock this afternoon. You will be given one day to practice before you perform the task for real tommorow. We will reveal more when we set the task. That is all". This message from B.B sets the lads off wondering about the task, Murf is concerned that without Johnny B's leadership the lads may struggle to complete it. Blag is also worried by Johns departure, he disappears to the toilet, where the camera captures him shedding a tear over the loss. Haighy is less concerned and tries to bring the discussion around to the lunch the lads are about to prepare. After Chunks ordering of the food it only leaves the lads with one option, Cheeseburgers. Murf realises that these must be rationed if they are to last the week, and so ensures that each person gets only one, and only one tub of bbq sauce between three. Haighy is not immpressed with this meal and so searches behind the bar for some crisps, he stumbles upon a box of Pickled Onion Space Raiders, but decides to hide his discovery from the others, he disapears to the loo with three bags and hides the rest where he found them. Once everyone has eaten there remains half an hour before big brother addresses them again. Matty spends the time challenging everyone to games of pool. Murf is more constructive and uses the blender to make a cheeseburger soup, as he says this will go further than the cheeseburgers alone. Minor goes back to bed with one of his mags, while Varley dreams of Jez's pride. wayne talks to Daz about how much he is missing his mum, and reveals that he wants to be nominated to leave so he can get home. Newiss is also disgruntled, he finds it unfair that B.B can see everything that happens, yet he cant see a bl00dy thing. The others spend the time having a Smackdown tournament on Al's Playsation, which Al wins beating Dean in the final, "im still best at B.B" says Dean, that was just a fluke". Eventually one arrives and B.B addresses the group again "This is B.B, we are about to set you a challenge to be performed tommorow. If succesful we are willing to give you an extra £30 this week for food, seen as though one of you has already spent the budget. The task is that you must build a human pyramid, since John has left this will be more difficult for you. The pyramid must have 6 levels, and you must build it within 5 minutes of starting. Also you will find that outside we have built a chicken coup, we have provided 4 chickens to lay eggs for you. That is all." All of the lads realise the importance of completing the task successfully and so go outside to practice. Philpot tries to organise events but his Cptain sh1tness comes thru and they r getting nowhere. Instead Islip, Murf and Daz G take over the organising. They decide that the pyramid needs to be a 5-5-4-3-2-1 formation. The fatties will go on the bottom, this is Philpot, Chunk, Haighy, Blag and Tom Wood, next up are the Next heaviest, Al, Ben, Newiss, Shane, and Hanvey, in the four comes, Minor, Greeen, Murf, and Varley, The three is Grez, furber, and the crippled Ramseythen comes Dean and Matty, Before the super light Wayne on top. The lads spend the entire afternoon practicing and get theere time down to just inside 5 minutes. They go in for tea all confident they can complete the task. Murf dishes out his ssoup for tea, which everyone enjoys, he has added a few herbs and spices he brought alondg for garnish. After tea the bar is opened by Sandy, and while everyone gets pi55ed they also keep a close eye on Chunk. Wayne goes into the diary rooma and has a long talk about missing his mum, and Damon. Al also goes in, he is missing being able to talk to Tori and Varley also complains, he is suffering withdrawl symptoms form not being able to txt. Grez slips some So Solid onto the CD player and the boys all enjoy a bit of the music, except Rich who wants his Alice DJ CD to be put on. Knackered most of the lads go to bed early, except Gre, Daz, Varley, and Matty who stay up for a bit of Scabby Queen with Grezza's cards. As the game goes on they begin to talk of their missing young lady freinds. Matty misses Lisa, Daz misses Fran, and Varl misses some other youngster. Grez is unimmpressed with this conversation and calls them all softlads before storming off to bed. The others soon follow and the house is quiet once more, except for Minors furious w@nking and Haighy tucking into another bag of the hidden Space Raiders.

 DAY 3 Murf wakes the lads at 10.30, he says they must get an hours practice in before the challenge, and he also wants them to eat lunch in plenty of time. Grez is very upset at this wake up call and hurls abuse at Murf, but after Murf turns on Hanveys Alice DJ at full blast Grez has to get up to turn it off. With everyone out of bed they go outside to get some practice in. Murf, Al and Daz get everyone into their positions quicker today and the team gets a new P.B of 4 and a half minutes. After a good practice they all go inside to have lunch. Wayne complains that he is sick of cheeseburgers and wants some of his mums speciality, Micro Chips. Everyone is getting sick of the cheeseburgers and Chunk is not the most popular guy at the dinner table, even Blaggo is giving him the evil eye. Eventually the time comes for the challenge, all of the lads head outside after Al sticks 'Eye of the tiger' on the stereo. The lads are well pumped up and are setting up well, until it comes to the level of three. Furber is not concentrating, lost in a daydream about Coddit. When he is eventually forced into action by a kick up the @rse from Dean, he somehow slips and brings half the pyramid down. With only a minute and a half on the clock it looks as though the lads will fail. But, in an inspirational moment Captain Sh1t finally takes control of his team. He barks out orders to everyone and the lads are shocked into action. The pyramid is completed with just seconds to spare, the lads secure themselves the extra £30. In high spirits the lads head in doors, even the ever miserable Wayne cracks a smile. B.B is as good as its word and the lads have an extra £30 to spend. The lads all agree that Murf and Philpot should sort out how the cash is spent, as they will be most sensible. While they give the food order to B.B Shane, Newiss, Traynor and Clay all keep watch on Chunk! B.B then calls all the lads to the living area, it needs to talk to them. "at 6 o'clock this evening all of you will be, in turn, called to the diary room, here you will nominate 2 people to be put up for eviction this week. That is all". Wayne is over-joyed and begs everyone to nominate him, however the other position is less certain. Dean realises this possibility and spends the afternoon talking to each of the lads in turn trying to ensuure they dont vote for him. The B.b rules state that discussing nominations is illegal and carefully watch Dean, however he works very secretly and B.B cannot get concrete evidence of his cheating. The other lads spend the afternoon in seperate ways. Furber lays on his bed dreaming of Coddit, and also wondring whether his mistake onthe challenge will cost him dear in the vote. Chunk is also worried, his cheeseburger incident could cost him. Al, tom W, Rich, Ben, Newiss and Matty have a game of heads and volleys outside, Rich loses but runs off when it is time to be crucified. The lads hunt him down and give him a thourough beating as punishment. Shane spends most of the afternoon staring at himself in the mirror, it seems he can see beauty where no-one else can. Varleys withdrawl symptoms from lack of texting are getting worse, and Blag and Murf are quite concerned when they find him rocking back and forth on his bunk. Eventually it is time for the nominations, and everyone in turn goes in to talk to B.B. Once everyone has been in B.b says they will tell them the results at 8 o'clock. Until then they must wait. It is decided that Daz Green should make tea, and Ramsey should help where he can, everyone thinks Murf has been doing too much and are concerned that he will get ill if he doesnt slow down. Daz adventurously cooks Beans on toast for the group, which everyone loves except CHunk, who reveals he doesnt like Beans! At first everyone thinks he must be joking, but he insists. Daz calls him an ungrateful b@stard and storms outside in a mood. Chunk is told he can either eat the meal or have a cheeseburger, disgruntled he walks off to his bed with a slightly mouldy cheeseburger. Tiem ticks by very slowly but eventually 8 arrives. "The nominations for the first week will be read out from 5 to 1, remember only the last two names will actually face the vote. In 5th palce is Dean" Dean sighs a huge sigh of relief, but realsies he must be less of an @rse over the next few days if he wants to stay. " in 4th place is Newiss" Johnny is delighted to be staying and unleashes a triumphant fart, a few of the lads say they want to change their votes because of the smell he creates. "in 3rd is Chunk, but the two people who this week face the vote will be Furber and Wayne. That is all". Wayne explodes with happiness and beigns to cry, Furber realises that his mistake on the days task has cost him dear. He goes to his bed without saying anything. The others decide to have a great night on the ale, except for Al who goes to try and cheer up furber, he feels partly responsible as he was one of the Coddit killers! The lads party well into the night, and Hanvey is once again sick. Tom Wood and Ramsey as usual get a bit over-excited with some toilet cleaner and bleach their hair, Ramsey produces some purple dye and the two end up with very patchy dyed hair. When everyone goes to sleep Wayne is too overexcited, to drop off. In staying awake he hears a strange munching from Haighys bunk, he goes over to investigate and discovers the packs of Space Raidrs under Dan's pillow. Haighy pleads for him to keep quiet, and Wayne agrees. He realises he must be more careful from now on. The only sound that can now be heard is the snoring of chunk and the sounds coming from Minors bunk.

 DAY 4 B.B kindly wakes the lads up at 12 noon, as it is worried they will sleep all day otherwise, no-one is immpressed with this wake-up call, and Minor and Grez throw abuse towards the cameras. B.B then informs the lads that the nominations are all in, and the result will be confirmed at 6 o'clock. Wayne is really excited by this, he is sure he'll be on his way home. Furber is not so happy, he is not looking forward to the possibility of going home. Once everyone is up it is decided that Al and Matty should make dinner, Al says they will do a fry up, as Murf bought some sausage and bacon, and hopefully the chickens will have laid some eggs. The promise of fatty food soon has Haighy and Chunk out of bed, before Sam is reminded that he still has 30 cheeseburgers to get through. He is not immpressed and tries to argue out of it, but is told by Ben that if he didnt want them he shouldnt have been such "a fat sh1t" and ordered them. Miserable Chunk goes outside with a couple of the burgers as comfort eating. The chickens have laid 16 eggs, in just a couple of days, Dean comments that the cockrel must have a sorer c0ck than Minor after a night down at Johnnys! Soon the fry up is prepared and everyone enjoys the meal, Al comments that Rich always feels better after a good sausage is inside him. Rich doesnt like this joke and storms outside to talk to Chunk. They have a long chat and both decide they are being victimised. They agree that they should complain and go inside to do so. The lads agree to listen and Chunk and Rich pour out their hearts to the boys, both think they might be making a difference, until Tom Wood starts to pi55 himself as Hanvey nearly cries about everyone calling him gay. This sets everyone off and Grez tells them to stop being such soft lads. Newiss tells them both to "fcuk off moaning, and if theyve got a problem they can talk to him about it", Chunk calls Newiss a "slant eyed prick" and it looks as though a fight is going to errupt, until Varley suddenly collapses. Murf examines him and says that he is Ok, he has just fainted. When Varley comes around B.B calls him to the diary room, where a proper Doctor can have a look at him. The Doctor says that Varley is badly missing something from his daily routine, and the lack of this is causing him to become ill. At first the lads say it must be Lindsay, but the Doctor is not so sure, he says that Varleys behaviour is not that of someone missing a person, it is more like craving a habit. Daz realises that it must be that he is missing texting people. The doctor says this is possible and so B.B allows Varley a fake phone so he can at least pretend to text. Varley spends the rest of the afternoon alone playing with the phone. Matty, Blag, Daz,Philpot, Dean, Minor, Haighy, and Murf spend the afternoon having a pool competition which is eventually won by Matty against Dean. Dean is not gracious in defeat, saying he never wanted to win the sh1tty coppetition anyway. Meanwhile Tom Wood and Ramsey exchange original hair-treatment ideas. Furber sits alone contemplating his fate in the vote, as does Wayne, he is happy for the first time since coming into the house, as he thinks he is sure to be going home. Ben and Al sit having a talk, Ben is finding it really difficult without having Sam around, he hates not being able to ignore her. Chunk is still wound up from earlier and takes a couple more burgers to his bed for some more comfort eating. Shane also sits on his bed, but he just spends the afternoon staring at Ben, who is becoming increasingly worried that Sahne is attracted to him. When the announcement over the vote arrives everyone is fully expecting it to be Wayne that leaves, but the result is acomplete shock, after 350,000 votes Furber is voted out, with 54% of the votes. He is thoroughly gutted, and looks as though he is going to cry. Grez tries to cheer him up by putting some Smiths on, but it doesnt work. Furber is given 1 hour to collect his stuff and leave. He packs his bags, and waits in the living area for the call to leave. The lads try to cheer him up, saying that they're sure it was nothing personal, and Dean tells him "you can't win em all" before laughing loudly at Furber. Wayne is also distraught and goes to cry on his bed. Eventually the time comes that Furber has to leave, he walsk slowly accross the bowling green and out the gate into the Rec, a crowd awaits him on his exit. The lads see a few familiar faces, and Johnny B is at the gate to give them a wave. Everyone is cheered up by seeing the crowd and decide that a big pi55-up is in order. Murf prepares a healthy pasta meal, he says the lads must concentrate on their diet, as they aren't getting enough excercise, Al says that Chunk never gets any excercise anyway. After the meal everyone, except Wayne, gets completely pi55ed and the party goes on until the early hours, ending with Hanvey, Daz and Grez all chundering in the loo. The lads fall asleep having a big discussion about what they'll do tommorow, and just like the previous days they decide on fcuk all being the best idea. Ladbrookes new odds: *Mr. Nasty Dean now at 50/1 *Murf now at 6/4f *Wayne rank outsider at 1000000/1 *Chunk, it seems the public are feeling sorry for him goes to 20/1 *Newiss' aggresive display towards Chunk (250/1)

Here is Newiss flexing on Chunk


 DAY 5 The lads rise at about 11.30, though some stay in bed, and Dean says that Blag wont get up cos he has a rock on. Everyone laughs at Blag who tries to laugh along, but does seem quite awkward, perhaps he is hiding the truth! Newiss says he will help to cook lunch, as long as he can do a stir fry. Dean, realising his need to look better to the public decides to help out. When the meal is served Daz G cant resist having a moan about it, "i dont want bloody chinese, its mingin". Newiss tells him to shut up, or else he'll bray him. Newiss' attitude is becoming more aggresive everyday, and Al tells him to go have a w@nk cos itll calm him down a bit. Despite the lads having a few worries about the meal everyone actualy enjoys it, except Chunk who is still munching away on the now green with mould cheeseburgers. Dean is pleased that he has ensured his popularity is maintained, he knows that the public are down on him, he could hear some chants when Furber was released. As the lads sit around after lunch matty notices Hanvey has disapeared, the lads search the house for him but he is nowhere to be seen. Traynor says he must have tried to escape and so the lads go outside to look for signs of a breakout. None are found though and everyone is very confused, that is until Minor spies a familiar shape in the chicken run. The lads find Hanvey clucking away with the chickens, it seems the chicken boy has found a new home. As the lads watch him Hanvey begins to laugh, he turns to the group and says "haha ripped u lot,1-0 haha". Everyone laughs at him,"u sad tw@t" says Tom W "what the fcuk are u doin". Richard realises his joke has backfired,and that the lads are just going to take the pi55 even more because of it, he runs inside and locks himself in the toilet, the cameras catch him crying hysterically. Eventually Murf goes in to talk to him, and rich comes out when Murf promises no-one will take the pi55 out of him again. But when he comes out Grezza cant resist making some clucking noises, Shane joins in and soon Rich is crying again. The rest of the day is spent with people lazing around, as it is raining outside, some lads go back to bed. Ramsey is one of these, and when Varley notices he is asleep he fetches a bucket of water to his bedside. He puts Ramseys hand in it, and runs off laaughing. The lads who have stayed up have a Fifa tournement, and the semis are being played when the room is disturbed by a scream from Ramseys bed, "You motherfcuckers", he realises he has pi55ed the bed, and sees the reason why. A huge smile crosses Varleys face, he is the only one in on it, and Ramsey realises this. Varl spends the rest of the day hiding in the toilet, meanwhile Rich is a lot happier, all of the rips are now aimed at Ramsey. Traynor and Haighy cook the meal that night, and again everyone enjoys it, though it is hard to go wrong with Tomato soup and bread. Once again the evening is spent with the lads talking and getting steadily pi55ed, though Ramsey doesn't join in, and Wayne also excludes himself, he just stares longingly out of the window, he is even more desperate to leave. Shane is also distant, he is staring at Ben again, a habit which is worrying Ben more and more each day! The lads turn in at 12ish, Haighy once more waits for silence before guzzling some Space Raiders, and the house is quiet again.


The day begins for the ladswith several heavy hangovers, it seems the nights of drinking are taking their toll on a few of the softer group members, young Tom Wood looks rough, but it is Rich who is in the worst state. His condition reminds Ben of the time at Washys house where Rich ran around naked, bar some pants, after a particurlaly heavy session. After a breakfast of bacon butties, served up by Al and Grez the lads seem to be once again resigning themselves to a day of lazing around, however B.B has other ideas. It tells the lads that the nominations for the next eviction will be due that evening, but before then another task must be performed. B.B has secured pop idol judge Simon Cowell to judge the lads out of ten on singing performances. 5 lads must perform and Cowell must award the group at least 35 marks if they are to succed. Performances are to be jusdged on voice, look, and also on stage immpersonation.

As the task is given to the lads it receives mixed reactions, Dean, Blag, Minor, Grez, and Haighy immediatley refuse to have any part in the show, however Shane looks very pleased by the task. Murf organises the lads into a group to discuss who will sing, and who they'll be. Shane says he will perform, but refues to say as what! Rich says he will do Hero by Enrique, and the lads agrree to this. Chunk and Daz also put themselves forward, to perform there famous routine to Bob the Builder, B.B says this will still only qualify as one act. With only three volunteers so far Al says he will perform Evergreen, but he will do the Westlife version because he isnt queer like Will, however B.B sys thaat Westlife has 5 members and so Al must do the Will version. He reluctantly agrees. With four acts sorted the team need just one more, but no one will come forward, until, after much persuasion Tom Wood agrees to perform the Turkish "Kiss Kiss" song, as seen on Graham Norton if you dont know what this is! So with the acts all in order the day is spent rehearsing, however Shane remains secretive about his act.

Eventually the time comes for the performances, but Shane suddenly disappears to the toilet! The show must go on however and Chunk and Daz are first up, they belt out Bob the Builder as well as they can, but Cowell is unimpressed and awards just 3 points, the group is very disapointed. Next up is Tom, his practise on the Cons karoke comes in handy, as do his Turkish looks and Cowell is immpressed by the performance, 7 points are awarded. Al comes next, the lads have used some of Sandys lipstick to paint a joker like mouth n Al, and he resembles Will reasonably well, his performance is brilliant, he goes into the boy-band actions mode with everything he has, unfortunately his voice can only be described as sh1te, but Cowell is immpressed and gives 7 points for the performance. Shane is meant to be next but says from his cubicle that he isnt ready and must go last, so Rich goes on next, he has obviously practised his routine into a mirro at home and the performance is good, as is his voice, 8 points are given, Rich is delighted and skips around like Bambi on ice. With just one performance left however Murfrealises the lads need 10 points to suceed, everything is up to Shane, and it seems like he isnt even going to get on stage, until suddenley the toilet door swings open. Shane emerges in a dress, wig and full make-up, he has also completely shaven his rug like body hair. Shane announces he wil perform Its raining men by Geri. He bursts into song and dances across the stage towards Ben. Most of the song is directed at Ben, and alos invloves Sahne thrusting himslef onto Traynot. Ben is so scared he cant even move. When the song ends everyone is stll completely shocked by it, Shane retires to his bathrooom while the lads await Cowells verdict. He is clearly immpressed by the cross-dressing and awards 10 points, the task is completed. Everyone is delighted as B.B announces the prize is a meal of the lads choice from Cheiftan, courtesy of B.B

The lads enjoy there Donna meat and cheesey chips, with everyone laughing about Shanes performance, except Ben who sits ont his bed, still with the same shocked face he had throughout the show. After the meal the lads are once again asked to the diary room to nominate who they want to leave. Wayne again begs everyone to pick him, he needs his mum more than ever, but Dean is again worried he could be voted out, so again tries to talk to everyone and convince them to vote elsewhere. When the vote result is announced later Wayne has again got his wish, he will be up for eviction and his rival will be............................. Newiss, it seems the chinese one has annoyed everyone nough with his aggressive behaviour. Dean is delighted and encourages everyone to get wecked again, no-one takes much persuasion and the beer is soon flowing, its just another night in the B.B bowling club.

DAY 7!!

The day begins as usual at around dinner time, and B.B waits until everyone is up before announcing that the results of the eviction are in and they will be announced at 6 that evening, Wayne looks really excited and begins to giggle hysterically, before Newiss tells him to shut up before he @rseholes him, Dean then begins to laugh, calling Newi a queer, Chunk joins in and Newi loses his rag attacking Chunk. He lands a punch in the mole-headed ones gut and the truffle shuffle begins, this comedy moment allows the rest of the lads to pull Newiss away before any more can happen. Newi goes outside to calm down, Dean continues to chuckle to himself, and Chunk tries to laugh off the attack, but Rich and Tom agree that he looks as though he is going to cry. 

Murf and Matty make everyone some lunch, Murf says they should have pasta as it is healthy and the lads aren't getting the right nutrients they need in the house. Grez calls him a soft-lad and makes himself a bacon buttie. Ben is beginning to recover from yesterdays frightening experience, but refuses to speak to Shane, who looks very disappointed, he later confesses to Blag (the agony aunt) that he had hoped Ben might see him in a different light after his song. Blag has no idea what Shane means and just does his usual moronic giggle and parrots back most of what Shane has said.

As the day slips into its regular routine of pool and heads and volleys Tom Wood is called to the diary room. On returning into the house he looks stunned as he tells the lads that Holly Valances record company are suing him for singing the song she is about to release. The company say Tom ruined the song and that now no-one will take it seriously. Everyone finds this very funny, and Rich says it serves the Turkish youngster right for being a tit. Murf says he will ask B.B for some legal books so that he can help Tom to prepare a defence against the charges.

Eventually 6 o'clock arrives, and B.B announces that Newiss is to be evicted, Wayne screams and runs to his bed crying. Newi is not phased by this and starts to pack his things, Chunk tells him to make sure he packs his wock, and Newi looks like going for him again, before Captain Sh1t tells him to leave it. Rich asks Al what Chunk meant as he didnt get the joke. Newi leaves the house at 7 0'clock and the lads begin a drinking session in honour of his eviction. Soon everyone is p1sed again, and a game of heads and volleys takes place under the floodlights outside, but one of Varleys attempts hits the Clubs power lines and causes a blackout. With no electricity the lads decide to make there way to bed, Ben is startled to find someone waiting for him in bed. He shouts out and whoever it was runs off, Ben suspects it is Shane and so before going to bed he puts in the butt plug Murf made him on the first night. Once again the house falls quiet as the lads go to sleep, even darker than usual. 


The lads begin to rise at around midday and find the electricity is restored. Dean rips Blaggo saying that it looks like he has risen as there is a tent in his boxers, Grez laughs saying its only a one-man tent tho. Blag has absolutely no idea what is being said and so laughs along moronically. Matty asks why Blag is laughing even tho he is being ripped, Blag just looks at him and laughs again. "one man tent" he parrots to himself. Haighy calls him a d1ckhead.

After Murfs continental breakfast of croisants and toast B.B announces the lads will be set another task that must be performed tommorow. If successful they will gain £20 for the food budget. B.B says the task is that the lads must perform a series of keepy-uppy tasks in the garden. Each player must take 5 touches and then pass on the ball, between all the lads the ball may only drop 3 times. B.B says that as a football team this should be a good task for the lads. 

The lads aren't convinced, saying Chunk will never be able to do 2 keep-ups never mind 5. B.B is not for arguing with though and the task is set, it will be performed at 5 o clock tommorow. If the lads fail they will be stripped of bar priveleges for the evening. With this thought in mind everyone heads outside to practice, but with only one ball training is slow. Murf says it will be better to focus on the less blessed individuals and so it is that Chunk, Grez, Wayne, Haighy and Minor are forced to spend the afternoon outside kicking the ball between one another, with little sucess. Dean notices Varl playing cards with Matty and tells him to go outside cos he is pants too. Varl tells him to pi55 off, but after all the lads join in he ends up outside too.

The lads who are allowed to stay indoors spend the day talking and laughing at the lads outside. When the rejects are finally allowed indoors Chunk says he is glad to see the back of Newi as now they can move some furniture cos they dont need his feng-shui sh1te. No-one laughs and Grez tells sam "nice joke, nice and sh1t". Everyone laughs at Chunk and he looks like he is gonna cry again. Ben is still quiet and is shaken after lasst nights scare. Shane insists it wasnt him in the bed, but Ben wont speak to him, Shane is upset and is pictured in the toilet crying to himself.

After a a meal of curry and rice the lads once again set themselves up at the bar and the drinking begins. But when the beer runs dry Sandy has to hastily run tothe back room as the lads look ready to kill her. Chunk takes the opportunity to steal a few mars baars out of the fridge. The lads go to sleep earlyin apprehension of tommorows task, but soon realise that the curry was a bad idea with Ben around, his farting keeps the house up til the early hours. The infa-red camera catches Haighy guzzling some more of the stolen Space raiders. Eventually the house falls quiet and the lads drift to sleep, Chunk worrying about tommorows task.


B.B has to wake the lads at 12 o clock, everyone is totally knackered after little sleep due to Bens windy back passage. B.B says the lads will perform the task at 1 o clock so they have one hour to prepare. Murf says they need to get some energy and says he will prepare a meal of chicken and pasta. He also makes a bowl of salad, which after the meal remains untouched, Al says that he isnt eating any bl00dy rabbit food.

As the lads go outside for the task B.B says that a guest referee will be sent into the house to observe the task, however the lads must not talk to the guest outside of the task. Eveyone is excited to know who will be coming in, and when the gate opens out of some 'Stars in their eyes' like steam walks Super Micky Green!! Daz is livid and says why the fcuk is he here, why cant someone elses dad do it. He storms into the house saying he will not do the task if his dad his reffing. B.B says that if Green doesnt take part the task is failed. Minor and Haighy realise this means no beer and so go to fetch Dazz from inside, and after threatening him with Chunk sitting on him Daz agrees to come out.

The task begins well as Shane gets it under way, he passes on to Ben and in turn come Al, Rich, Ramsay, Turk, Matty, Murf and Daz. Then the ball comes to Chunk, he manages 3 keep-ups before he drops it, he recovers the ball though and knocks it on to Grez, who somehow gets his five in as do Haighy and Minor, inspired by the prospect of beer. The final four is due to be Blag, Wayne Varl and Dean to finish off. Blag unbelieveably does the task succesfully to everyones relief. Wayne does the same and looks really happy as he knocks it to Varl. But Varl mis-controls the ball and it bounces after just one touch, he makes a desperate attempt to save it but his touch is so poor that the ball flies off further than some people can actually kick. He cant reach it in time and the task is failed, Micky G blows his whistle and announces the failure, Haighy collapses and the lads just look at Varl in astonishment at his . Mick G leaves the grounds and everyone heads inside speechless, except Haighy who seems to have feinted and Varl who is told to stay outside if he wants to stay alive.

Back inside the house no-one can believe what has happened, Dean goes to the diary room and asks if Varley can be taken out of the house and shot for being lame, but B.B declines the request.  Shane then goes to the diary room and confesses to B.B that it was him in Bens bed and that he is finding it very hard to stay in the house with Ben if he wont accept Shanes advances. Shane admits he is very depressed and is considering leaving as it is getting too dificult to be around Ben all the time. B.B asks Shane to give it a bit more time and see if his ideas change.

With no beer for the evening captain Sh1t suggests a game of charades to keep spirits up, but Grez tells him to stop being gay. Varl is eventually allowed back inside, where Chunk continually rips him for his performance. An argument occurs between them and it is clear the lads are suffering without beer. Turkish goes to the diary troom to ask about the legal case against him, B.B says it will get back to him tommorow, so Tom and Murf spend the evening doing some research on a possible case for Tom. After a worms tournemant on the playstation, which Chunk wins the lads decide to get an early night, no-one realises Haighy is still passed out on the bowling green and the house falls quiet with him still stranded outside. There are no smells from Bens bunk tonight as it has been decided he should put in the butt-plug Murffound for him.

DAY 10

Everyone wakes up and for the first time since entering the house no-one is hung-over. Feeling good Rich even says he will help Murf to make breakfast. Murf decides the lads will be allowed a fry-up today, so long as the other meals are healthy. Everyone agrees and cooking begins. However Rich is a complete disaster in the kitchen, he burns the bacon and explodes the microwave by putting in a tin of beans. He is called a tosser by everyone and he gets a bit upset, he throws his oven gloves at Chunk, but misses and they land on a gas ring, and set alight. Everyone sh1ts themselves, except Grez, who picks up the flaming gloves and runs outside with them, he throws them on the floor and stamps out the fire. It is only now the lads see Haighy laid in the middle of the bowling green.

Daz approaches him and sees he is passed out. Murf steps in and puts Haighy in the recovery position, he tells Al and Ben to get some covers to keep him warm. Murf then goes to the diary room to ask B.B for some medical assistance. It is decided that Dan should be brought into the diary room where a Dr will check him out. After about an hour Dan re-enters the house, and spends the rest of the day in bed, he has been given some pills and told not to drink for 4 days, he is distraught.

After the mornings drama the day passes pretty uneventfully, until at 5 o'clock B.B says it is nomination time for the boys, so one by one they go to the diary room and request who they want to leave. Varl tries to persuade everyone not to vote for him, "Its not my fault im sh1t at keep-ups"!! Wayne is happy again, he is sure this time he will be voted out. After nominations are over the bar opens and everyone welcomes a few pints, except Haighy who lies in his bed crying, he has never gone more than 4 hours without a pint before now, never mind four days.

After a steady session a few of the lads decide on a game of scaby queen, Rich says he isnt playing as he doesnt want to spoil his perfect lady-like hands. Shane wins the first round and he has to give Ben 12 hard, Shane hasnt played before and gets a bit confused. He thinks this is his perfect chance and jumps on top of Ben. Traynor isnt immpressed and lamps Shane, a scuffle begins and has to be broken up. Captain Sh1t says the lads are behaving badly and orders everyone to bed, with the bar almost closing everyone agress, and quiet will be restored. Everyone drops off wondering who will be up for eviction this week??

DAY 11

Varl has woken up early to make everyone breakfast, he thinks if he acts nice to everyone the public wont vote him out if he is nominated as expected. He lays all the table and cooks a massive fry-up, he also puts out cereal, toast, tea and coffee. He is really pleased and wakes everyone up to come enjoy their breakfast. However the lads wake up and many complain of feeling unwell, they decide to give breakfast a miss. Soon Al, Ben, Dean, Murf, Minor, Daz G, and Sammy P are fighting to get to the toilet to be sick. Not long afterwards all of the lads are fighting to get into the loo to be sick, all except Haighy,  Rich, and Varl. Varl is gutted that no-one is eating his breakfast except for Dan and Rich, but luckily for him Haighy guzzles about 8 portions and so there is not too much wastage.

By mid-afternoon most of the lads are feeling a bit better, though the occasional chundering still goes on. Now thatSammy P and Murf have had a bit of a chance to think they decide to have a go at Varley, he has wasted loads of food that cant be eaten now, they arent immpressed. Varl tries to defend himself saying he did it to be nice, this doesnt wash wi Phillis though and he tells Varl to sit in the coner and think about what he has done.

With that sorted the lads decide to try and figure out what made them so ill. Al realises that the only peopple not affected was Haighy who couldnt drink the lager, Varl who chose not to so he'd be fresh to make breakfast, and Rich who was drinkin girly drinks all night. The lads agree and decide to investigate the carling bareel in the back room. Chunk takes on the job as he thinks he is a pro barman, he disconnects the barrel and looks inside, he finds a rat floating in the beer. He shows the lads who arent immpressed, Murf goes to take up the problem with B.B. Meanwhile Chunk says he will connect another barrell for tonight. However in showing off Chunk makes a mistake and ends up showered in bed, the entire barrell is wasted, there will be no beer tonight!! No-one is happy, but luckily for Chunk he has already missed a possible nomination this time round.

Chunk goes to the shower to clean off, when he comes out in his towel Turkish begins a chant of get your tits out for the lads. Chunk isnt immpressed and tells his little brother to 'Fcuk off back to Turkey you greasy c*nt'. Tom just laughs though and everyone continues to taunt Chunk. The taunt is interupted by B.B who announces the nominations, unsuprisingly Varley and Wayne are the ones nominated. Murf makes tea and Matty and Philpot try to console a very upset Varley. Grez tells him to stop bein so soft!

The night is beer-less again, and the lads hit the sack early as some of them are still feeling unwell. Varl realises this could be his last night in the house and is quite upset, until Grez tells him itl be alright cos when Varl gets out he can start textin again, and catch up with the cruise news. 'Muscles Gilbert might have got some new gold foot pedals' laughs Grez. Varl is happier now and like everyone else drifts off to sleep.

DAY 12

Everyone is feeling a lot better today, the ill-effects of the beer have worn off, with this in mind Murf says he will cook up a big breakfast ofr everyone. He soon realises he cant as Varl has wasted most of the food, and so it is Honey-nut-loops all round.  Varl is once again the housemates least favourite person, he is about as welcome asa pork-pie at a Jewish wedding.

After their exciting breakfast B.B announces to the boys that the nomination result will be announced at 6pm. Fearing the worst Varl spends the afternoon ensuring all of his things are together, he is sure he will be voted out. The other lads decide the time is right for a five-a-side competition outside. Murf organises some teams and a chart of matches. When Dean realises he is on Chunks team he says he isnt playing anymore, however he perks up when he realises Sam can go in nets, 'You cover most of em anyway' says Rich. As the lads play Varl sits inside alone with his dummy fone, his fingers dance over the keypad like Michael Flatley in the riverdance.

After the mass tournemant the winners are Ben, Matty, Rich, Tom W, and Wayne. Dean syas it was obvious they'd win cos there side was best, what could he do with Chunk, Al, Grez, and Minor. Grez isnt happy with this comment and chases the mini-machine round the house, until Dean locks himself in the toilet to escape. With the time getting ever nearer to six the lads go to sit in the lounge ands wait for the result. Dazzy G tries to lift Varls morale by ripping Hanvey 'Hey Rich what weighs more? a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?' Rich laughs, 'Bricks you idiot'. Everyone laughs, frustrated Rich says 'Feathers' and everyone laughs again. Rich is highly confused 'Bricks, Feathers, no bricks' he mumbles, before collapsing on the floor. Dribble pours from his mouth and he is shaking quiet badly. B.B tells the las to bring him to the diary room so a Dr. can see him.

6 o'clock arrives and B.B announces the desicion. The lad to leave the house will be 'Wayne'. Wayne shrieks with delight, as does Varl. Wayne cannot wait to get home, he packs hurriedly and is ready for off. Before he leaves however he writes a note addressed to Murf and puts it on his bed. Wayne leaves and the lads are straight to the bar for a party in his honour. B.B announces Rich is staying in hospital for observation but will be back tommorow. The lads go to bed in the early hours, Murf misses the note Wayne has left. Varl is delighted to have stayed and promises everyone he wont mess up again, Haighy tells him he better not or Chunk will sit on him.

DAY 13

Murf wakes early and finds the note Wayne left him stuck to the side of his face. Murf gets up and goes into the lounge to read it, though he struggle through Waynes in-ability to spell:

Deer Murf,

im writeing this cos i fink you all shud know wot has bin going on. Haygey found a box of Spac Rayders and has bin eatin em secretely wen evryone is in bed. Thort u needed to no cos it is tite on u lot if u r strugling for ffod and sh1t. Laters, Wayne

Murf sobers up as he reads the note, realising what Wayne has said. He decides to show the note to Sammy P, as captain he should decide wot action the lads take. Phillis is not happy with Haigh, he feels cheated by one of his fellow Melthamers. All the lads are woken up and Sam calls a team meeting. He tells the lads what has been happening and no-one is happy with Dan. Most p1ssed off are Chunk and Sammy P though, they are always hurt where food is involved. The lads decide that Haighy must give back all the remaining packs, and that he should cook all meals for today. Reluctantly Dan agrees and gets on with lunch.

After dinner B.B calls Al to the diary room, to collect Richard after his night in hospital. When Al enters he finds Rich in a wheelchair. B.B tells Al that Rich is still a bit confused and the lads musn't stress him over the next couple of days, or it could be very dangerous. Al agrees and wheels rich into the house. Everyone begins to rip Rich about what has happened, but Al tells them what the Dr said and everyone agrees not to.

As it is raining the lads decide the time is right for a Playstation comp, the chosen game is Formula 1 2001.  The draw is made and the competition begins. Rich manages to get to the semis, despite his Downy status, but the winner is Ramsey, it seems his mental attitude to driving has serve him well. Chunk is disapointed though, his car control means a first round exit to Murf, who tells Sam, "Slow and steady wins the race Sam", only to be knocked out by Matty in round two.

With night approaching Dan decides it is time to make tea. Grez asks how long it will be, Dan says half an hour. Grez asks what time it will be ready though, Dan cant see the clock and so he asks Rich. Unfortunately the oven clock is a 24 hour one, and it says 18:15. Rich begins to sweat again, "theres only 12 hours on a clock" he mutters, "how is it 18 o'clock?". He goes through the same thing as yesterday, shaking and mumbling, before falling out of his wheelchair. B.B syas he will have to stay over in hospital again.

After tea the lads begin yet another session, though they are beginning to tire of the same thing every night, Sam asks B.B if tommorow some entertainment can be arranged. B.B agress, it is the task tommorow and if successful we will give u some entertainment. With this in mind the lads get lashed again, and go to bed in the early hours, no munching noises from Haighys bunk tonight though.

DAY 14

The lads wake up very hungover, and immediately after breakfast B.B asks them to go outside. The lads assemble in the garden and await instruction from B.B. Soon the tannoy says to them that they are about to be set a task, which they will have just one hour to practice before they must perfrom it. B.B says it is a test of their ability to think fast and work together, Grez mumbles that its just a load more sh1te that Murf n Sam will take control of and bore everyone else with. Varl tells him to shut up and listen, he is trying to impress on this task as he is worried about the next vote.

B.B says the task is to create a vehicle capable of carrying 3 people around a figure of 8 course set out earlier on the other bowling green by B.B in under one minute. The lads on board must not touch the floor, and the vehicle cannot be pushed by anyone not on board. Some useful tools and parts have been left in the diary room. Chunk and Minor go to fetch these while everyone else decides roles for the task.

The provided parts are some pram wheels, several planks of wood, some rope, and some other odds and ends. The lads decide on a simple go kart machine, which 2 of the passengers will power using big sticks to push off with. With Varleys immense car knowledge from his cruising days he is set as cheif mechanic, Haighy the actual mechanic only makes second in command, and they are helped helped out by Al who has learned a thing or two from his car mad dad, and also Ben for similar easons as Al. Murf and Sammy P cast a watching eye over the building while also deciding on roles of the 3 passengers. It is decided that Ramsey should drive as he will be the quickest due to his psycho attitude to driving any vehicle. The pushers will be Tom Wood and Shane, as it is felt there youthful bodies will best stand the strain.

With the cart put together the task soon gets under way. The beefy pushers are doing a grand job, and Ramseys expert steering looks to mean the task will be a sucess. Unfortunatlyon the final bend, the weight of the fat Turk and Pirelli belly Shane becomes too much for the kart and it collapses. The task is failed and everyone goes inside dissapointed. Dean says he would have done a better job as he is obviously best at kart building.

B.B senses the disapointment of the lads and tells them that as a reward for such a brave efort they will be given a suprise, however it will have to wait for tommorow. B.B also tells the lads to begin thinking about nominations as tommorow is the next round. With this in mind the lads all agree the best remedy for their disapointment will be a major pi55-up. The mood is heightened again when B.B announces that Rich will have to stay in hospital for another night, 'thank fcuk' says Chunk, 'Rich is so thick even a chain-saw couldnt cut him'. Chunk laughs at his comment, however no-one else does. Dean fakes being sick and the other lads just stare in disbelief at Chunk. He pulls his 'gonna cry' face and walks off. The others burst out laughing and the drinking begins, just another night in the B.B house. 

DAY 15

The lads wake up early and Dean runs around excitedly, "Where's the suprise B.B?? Eh? Eh? you promised!!". Grez tells him to shut up and calm down, "You're acting like Chunk in a sweet shop with a ten pound gift voucher". Everyone looks at Chunk for his reaction, but he just sits eyes glazed licking his lips,"mmmmm sweeties." B.B then addresses the lads Your suprise will arrive at 2 o'clock this afternoon, we will ask everyone to come indoors at this time so it can be delivered. Until then we would like you to come to the diary room for nominations, the results will be announced this evening.

Dean is a bit upset, but soon comes round when he realises its eviction time, he does his usual thing of going round everyone to try and rig the votes away from him. As Deans popularity in the house is fine, on the outside it is not, the Sun are running a Get D1ckhead Dean out, and have already been foiled in their attempt to put up a loud-speaker on the rec to tell the housemates to vote for him. However it wasnt B.B that stopped them, it seemed that the people doing the job left the van door open and some Dros twokked it with all the tools.

Once everyone has made their nominations B.B asks everyone in-doors for the arrival of there suprise, "i hope its a real phone for texting" agree Al and Varl, "i want a go-kart track" says Ramsey,  Chunk is sat quietly praying for a mobile burger van. As the lads lok out the window they see the bowling green gate slowly open, the floor begins to shake and in walks........Marcos.

"Its fcukin Marcos" says Minor. "Cheers brains of Britain" says Dean sarcastically. As the gate closes all the housemate rush outsideto greet the big brazilian. He is overcome with emotion at seeing his old mates and begins to cry. The scene is very touching and everyone talks exciteldy at him. Eventually everyone goes inside and the lads sit around talking for hours about how Marcos has been, "Still eating well i see" says Al, "Shut up you silly wonka" he replies, "ive lost a stone you know". Al laughs, "you havent lost it mate, i can see it on your @rse". Everyone is having a good laugh and soon the bar is open again and the drinking begins. Marcos puts back about 12 pints in 10 minutes, before asking whether Cheiftan is allowed to deliver to the house.B.B then interupts, Richard is now to be re-introduced into the house, he is rested and fine now, you can start taking the pi55 again. Rich walks in but before anyone can speak B.B starts again Te nominations for this weeks vote are tied, four people will be up for eviction, two of whom will leave the house tommorow, the people up for eviction are: Danny Haigh, Shane Kelly, Matthew Varley, and Tom Wood. That is all

It seems Haighy and Varl have still not been forgiven for their failings, and now Shane and tom are being blamed for their task failure. Tom isnt bothered in the slightest, neither is Haighy, "looks like i can go knob Becky tommorow eh?" he jokes. Varl is really upset though, and goes off to cry. Shane is also gutted, he later talks to B.B, "i dont want to leave, i think Ben is finally getting feelings for me".

With the nominees in place the house returns to getting drunk, might as well enjoy it, might be our last night eh? agree Haigh and Tom.

DAY 16

The lads come round in bad state this morning, celebrating the arrival of Marcos has left several lads much the worse for wear, and as a result Rich and Daz G spend much of the morning in the toilet producing amounts of chunder only seen before from 'The Blague' at Sammy the syrians house. However soon the lads have to evacute the toilet as Marcos decidess its time for him to lay a cable. As the smell from this begins to seep into the house the lads realise its not just the toilets they'll have to leave but the house itself. Everyone coughs and splutters their way into the garden to escape Marcos' stinking brick.

Fortunately it is a sunny day and so the lads dont mind being outside. Al and Turkish decide to do a bit of sunbathing, while the others either have a kick around. When Marcos comes out he is told that he cannot sh1t inside anymore, instead he has to do it in the garden as it is good for the plants. The big man is unimmpressed, 'Shurt up you silly wonkas, im sh1tting inside like the rest of you coonts'. The boyz decide its probably not the best idea to get into a fight with an 18 stone Brazilian and so agree that he can sh1t inside, but only at specific times, no sh1ts before mid-day is the rule imposed.

With Rich now back to full health Al decides it is only right to get back into the swing of taking the pi55 out of him, and so arranges with Tom to steal all of his socks, and pants. Obviously the laugh will have to wait till Rich changes his clothes, so itcould be a few days in happening, after all he has had his target top on since Day 4. For a bit of entertainment Rich decides to put on a CD for the lads, however all he has is Alice DJ and S Club Juniors. The S clubbers win the vote and so Rich and Turkish prance round the garden busting their moves to One Step Closer.

Grez isnt immpressed with the musical choice however and brings out some Slipknot, but Dean 'accidently' snaps the CD before it reaches the machine. With the time getting on B.B asks the lads to go inside for the eviction results. Evryone waits patiently an B.B eventualy announces, that it will be Shane and Haighy who leave the house. Dan is pretty happy about it, saying he is gonna go round to Beckys and 'taste the rainbow'. Blag is a bit confused by this and so just laughs along with the other lads. Shane however isnt happy, he calls all the lads a bunch of and says he wishes he had never come in the house, 'Im bigger tha this team, your all sh1t. Im leaving now.' He picks up his things and marches to the gate, but BB wont let him go till its time and so he has to sit at the door with a face like a smacked @rse for an hour.

Eventually the lads evicted leave and so the ritual pi55-up begins again. The 16 remaining contestants are feeling pretty good that they've lasted so long and celebrate in style

DAY 17

Another day in the BB house is started when Rich gets up to find his draw empty of socks n pants. He squeals like a little girl whos just fallen off her bike and wakes up everyone else. "Shut the fcuk up Hanvey" says Turk, then has a sly giggle about the prank. "I bet this is ure idea Turk, give em back now and we can forget this". Turkish can't stop laughig at this threat, and Rich realising he is beaten goes to talk to BB in the diary room. He says he wants BB to force Tom to give his pants back, but BB says it is Rich's problem and he should stop being such a big puff. Rich leaves and goes to sulk in the garden.

Now that the house is awake BB announsces that it is task time today. Everyone must go into the garden and assemble on the penalty spot of a little goal area put up by BB during the night. The task is that each housemate must take it in turns to shoot at goal, if they hit the bar they must go inside the house, a miss sends them to the back of the queue. The task ends when 8 housemates are indoors. Dean says this will be easy, and says he will go first cos he is the best. Everyone else tells him if he is so good he can go last, Dean sulks but for once doesnt get his own way. The task begins with Blag, who misses. After the first round through only Turkish, and Minor have qualified. Next time through so does Ben, Dean, and Matty. Last to qualify are Ramsey, Grezza and amazingly Varley. Those eight go indoors and all await an annoncement from BB.

The lads outside are told to send one person to the store room to pick up some things. Captain Sh1t goes forward and retuns 5 minutes later. He has a hamper, a rucksack and a note from BB. He reads the note aloud

You 8 housemates have lost this task, and as a result will be forced to live in the garden for the next three days until the next task. BB has provided u with food rations, and u will have the use of the chickens. U have also been provided with a six berth tent and eight sleeping bags. You will not be allowed into the house for any reason, u will use the clothes u are wearing and must make ure own arrangements about the toilet. BB will provide a bathful of water to u each day for washing purposes. U must not recieve any goods from house mates indoors, this will lead to u being issued a strike. That is all.

No-one can believe this and all complain, " How the fcuk are 8 of us gonna fit in a 6 man tent, especially wi Blag and Marcos" moans Al. "Shut the fcuk up Al, u wonka" ses Marcos. Murf however tries to difuse the situation and takes charge. He tells everyone about rations, and organises the erecting of the tent.

Indoors the lads are celebrating, they are told by BB that they will have washing done for them and  as much food as they require for the next three days. The lads decide to make the most of it and order a crate of Bud from BB. They enjoy an all day session and Dean taunts the lads outside "Hey Al, fancy a beer? Oops sorry forgot the rules again, ahahaha".

Everyone spends the day getting used to the new arrangements, and Hanvey is now even more annoyed about his pants, he is already going commando and has three days to go. Could this spell the end of the fun in the BB house??

 Just so u know...

INDOORS: Dean, Ben, Ramsey, Matty, Minor, Varley, Tom Wood (Turkish), and Grezza

OUTDOORS: Murf, Al, Rich, Sam P (Captain Sh1t), Marcos, Blag, Daz G, Sam Wood (chunk)

and a word from Ladbrookes....

To Win: Murf (4/1f), Sam P (6/1), Rich (15/1)

Next to go: Dean (9/4f), Varley (6/1), Marcos (25/1) 

DAY 18

In the tent  the day begins early, with Marcos' @rse waking up all the boys. "Oooh my stomach hurts" moans the big fella, it seems already that the lack of food is getting to him, and his guts are reacting with a violent bout of farting. The tent stinks and the others escape the smell by going outside, Murf says he will put some porridge on for breakfast. Al and Rich are discussing a plan for waking up the housemates indoors, "Jammy fcukers, they should have to be up if we are" they moan. However before any plan is formed the job is done for them. Marcos has decided to light up an early morning ciggy and the flame has had a violent reaction to his @rse fumes, causing a huge explosion and the end of the tent. A very worried Marcos emerges form the remains, he has singed hair and eyebrows and no-one is very happy with him.

Indoors the lads are awoken by the noise from outside, and Ben goes to see what it is. He expalins the scene outside and everyone runs over to see. Dean cannot hide his delight and quickly opens the window to laugh and throw some abuse. The rich lads watch the poor lads struggle to rescue what they can from thee burning tent and then go to enjoy a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Back outside Al is distraught as his hair-gel has perished in the fire and he hasnt even had chance to style his hair today, "Am i mingin?" he cries to the others, just like a certain Ms. Piggy on BB3.

Ever practical Murf goes to the diary room to ask about what the lads can do now, and BB agrees to provide a new tent and slepping-bags for the boys, fearing that some of them will walk, but Al's request for more gel is turned down. Rich is really happy that Al is finally having a bad day and takes great pleasure in ripping him, until Chunk asks to borrow a pair of pants and Rich starts to get upset again. Though Daz points out that he neednt worry cos Sam would never fit in one of Rich's Pete Tongs.

BB then announces that it is nomination day today and so in turn each person is clled to the diary room. For the first time since entering the house Dean actually recieves 3 votes, from Al, Rich and Murf. However his beloved genuine Meltham boys dont desert him and so he escapes the public vote. Insted the 4 boys up this week will be:

Minor- the lads say he is now so lazy that they have to regurlaly check on him to ensure he hasnt died

Marcos- The poor lads are really unimmpressed by his @rse

Blag-everyone agrees that he is possibly the single most annoying thing in existence

and Rich: it seems his moaning has got to be too much for some of the housemates, however he only has one vote more than Dean.

Once the results are announced Rich is totally gutted, he can't believe he has been nominated, and Al, Murf and Phillis spend the evening trying to cheer him up. Indoors the rich boys have a great might, Minor couldnt care less about being nominated and so the lads concentrate on getting as fcuked as possible. This is not taken well by those outdoors and Daz Green looks ready to explode, its as if Micky G has turned up asking to ref something. However Daz keeps his head and the night somehow passes peacefully, except for Chunk deciding to sleep outside to escape the smell of Marcos. Strangely the others notice a slight improvement in the smell when Sam leaves??

DAY 19

Evviction day once again starts early for the lads outside, the rain is beating down on the tent and it soon wakes everyone up. Murf says he will have to wait for a gap in the rain before he can light the BBQ as they cant bring it inside in case Marcos' fumes take light again. The lads sit around chatting for about an our, mostly good natured and it seems that the harsh conditions outside are bonding the lads together. The conversation is stopped abruptly though when Daz Green realises that Chunk is still outside. The lads look out and see Sam still asleep in the middle of the grass, soaked to the skin. Everyone shouts him in an effort to get him up, but to no sucess, the guy is like a sleeping baby elephant. Eventually it is decided that Blaggo should go and wake him, and being the easily convinced person that he is Blag agrees. He takes about 5 minutes to wakehim, eventually resorting to  a swift kick in the pods to wake him. Sam comes indoors and does his best to dry off and tries to find some dry clothes. Murf seems very worried in case Sam has caught a cold though.

In doors the morning is a much happier one, the lads dont get up until nearly twelve, and despite the hangovers manage to enjoy a nice fried breakfast, carefully prepared by Ramsey and Ben. However no cups of tea are about as Ben breaks the kettle by putting tea bags in it, "it looks like our tea-pot at home" he argues, but takes a good ripping for it anyway. After breakie the lads decide to have a playstation tournemant, and take great pleasure in taking the pi55 out of Al, "thanx for leaving us this" shouts Minor,  who has actually managed to get off the settee and stop smoking for more than 5 minutes. A record since he came into the house. Al isnt happy about the constant pi55 takes from indoors and is now even more determined to win tommorows task and get indoors. The playstation game chosen is Gran Turismo and unsuprisingly Ramsey wins it in a replica of his little Saxo, and even though Dean choose a Dodge Viper he still says Rams only won cos he had the best car.

Finally the rain eases off in the late afternoon and so Murf cooks up a pasta meal, however he has to make two pots as Marcos eats most of the first batch. After thei meal BB says it is time to announce the nominations.

The two housemates that have been voted out of the house tonight will be Simon Blackburn and Christopher Morris. You have one hour to pack your belongings and say your goodbyes. Simon you are allowed indoors now to collect your things, and shower if you wish. Thankyou.

Minor is not bothered about his eviction, and is in fact happy that he can join drinking partners Haighy and Ste for a great night out in Meltham tonight, maybe ending with a trip to Johnnys and a game of Flies Eyes. Blag however doesnt say anything and just carries on outside as though nothing heas happened. "Erm Blaggo" says Daz "Don't you think you should start packing mate, you've only got an hour." Blag laughs and tells Daz that it was Simon and Chris to leave, not Blaggo. Daz points out to the Blague that his real name is Simon and it is him who is leaving. Blag laughs as he realises, everyone else just stares as they cannot believe anyone would be so thick, well at least anyone except Rich.

So eventually the time comes for Minor and Blag to go, they say their goodbyes and head out into the rec, where thousands of fans wait to meet them. They are greeted by Shannon Tweed the shows presenter, who is working as Channel 5s pornstar answer to Davina McCall. The hants on the rec are barely audible inside the house thanks to the wall of trees seperating them, but Dean is sure he hears people calling him a . He soon goes t the diary room and confesses that he is worried that the puublic dont like him and that with two close allies now gone he may be up for eviction theis week. BB sympathises but tells Dean this is his problem and so why doesnt he leave BB in peace.

the lads outside get an early night to prepare for tommorows task, however those indoors hav a big pi55 up again, forgetting the importance of tommorow, will they regret this when the time comes?? 

DAY 20

The rich boys are the ones woken early today as BB calls Tommy the turk to the diary room at 8am. An unimmpressed Tom goes to the diary room where BB explains that it has good news and bad news for young Thomas. The good news is that Holly Valance has dropped her court action against Tom, and instead thanks him for the extra publicity that helped her reach number one, and she has also paid £20,000 into his bank account as a thankyou gift. Tom is delighted with this news, he can finally go on the pilgrimage to his homeland in Turkey and pursue his dream folk-music career. However he is soon brought down to earth by BB with the bad news, Stacey's (his bird) mum has been constantly asking BB to allow Tom out of the house so he can apoligise to Stacey for a comment he made on Day 3 about Richards mum. BB says that if these complaints continue much longer it is seriously contemplating kicking Tom out of the house to shut her the fcuk up! Tom says he doesnt want to leave and so apoligises to Stacey through the camera.

The lads outside are not too far behind those indoors in getting up, but are certainly feeling better. Those inside are very hungover and the early morning wake-up call has not helped. Even a big fried breakfast cannot help and when everyone is called outside for the task the indoor lads are still well the worse for wear. BB announces that the task will be a game of sleeping lions, however each lad must stay balanced on one leg, if the other leg goes down that person is out. The eventual winner must then make their way inside to the diary room. The game begins and Marcos is first to go, after all he cant be expected to balance 18 stone on one leg, Chunk follows for similar reasons soon after. It is not long before the indoor boys have to give in to the alcohol which is pulling them down and all of them bar Grez drop out, unfortunately Ramseys fall causes him to break his collar-bone for the second time since entering the house, it doesnt bother him too much though as he has broke this bone more times than Chunks had hot dinners, and that is one hell of a lot of dinners.

After an hour and a halfs play only Murf, Al and Grez have survived. Grezza's sole tree-trunk leg is doing a great job and he is steady as a rock. It seems to be a stalemate situation until Murf realises he must get dinner on and so drops out for the good of the group. Now only Al and Grez remain, Grez looks determined but Al is muttering to himself, something about doing it for Tori. He is also helped by the fact that he is used to having his right leg straight for weeks at a time, never mind a couple of hours. It is this factor which decides it when the mighty tree-leg gives way and Grez falls leaving Al the winner. He goes to the diary room where BB asks him to pick the 6 housemates he wants to stay indoors with him for the next 3 days. Al is gutted at having to do this, but after a lot of thinking makes his choice, with reason for each:

Ben- "He's me best mate so this ones easy i suppose"

Tom Wood-"He makes me laugh, and i need someone to rip Rich if im in bed or something"

Rich-"I couldnt not have Rich in could i? What would i do for a laugh!"

Chunk and Marcos-"Same reason for these two, i think they'll die if they stay outside any longer."

Daz Green-"He had to face the poor side thig all week so i'll bring him inside"

About the others Al explains that most of them have already been on the inside, and for Murf and Phillis that haven't they are coping well, and Murf even seems to be enjoying it outside. BB announces this choice and the lads called go indoors, where they all do whatever Al asks for the rest of the day, including a good hour spent taking the pi55 out of Dean for being outside. Those left outdoors alltake the desicion ok, except for Dean who sulks like a baby for the rest of the day, calling Al "a spiteful w@nker". Murf is happy to stay outdoors and Captain Sh1t reasons that he is needed outdoors to maintain discipline. The lads from inside accept that it was their turn to be outside, although Matty does throw in afew insults about Al to what Dean is saying.

The night ends as usual with an early night outdoors, and a major pi55-up inside. Turkish and Ben can't believe their luck at being inside again and make the most of the booze, the others do the same, although Rich disapears to be sick at around nine thirty. a good night is had by all though and the lads go to bed very happy, except Dean of course.

DAY 21

Its nomination day again in the house, and most people are getting quite nervous, everyone now realises this could be their turn. Rich is especially worried, "I don't want to be up again, i really want to win this thing." This is until Turkish points out that if Rich wins his prize is to spend one night with his mum, and it is a bit sick that he wants to win this, though Tom agrees he can see why Rich fancies the bit of inbreeding on offer. Rich hasn't realised this is the prize on offer, and is gutted, so he goes to the diary room to talk with BB. He is told to shut up moaning as he should have read the contract before agreeing to take part, and BB also points out to Rich that he has no chance of winning as he is a whinging fool. Rich warns BB to stop bullying him or he will tell on him, but even the bloke behind the BB voice has to laugh at this and Rich leaves in disgrace.

As the time approaches 3 o'clock each person is called into the diary room to nominate, this is not before Dean has talked with all the outdoor housemates and told each one that he values their freindship mostout of everyone in the group, he is still worried though  as he hasnt been able to get to those indoors. As the nominations are complete the weeks list of nominees is as follows:

Matty: Al, Ben, Rich, Ramsey, and Murf all agree that they have not really seen much of Matty and feel the group could manage without him. (5 votes)

Marcos: Ben, Rich, Chunk, Turkish, and Daz Green are all sick of the smell from the big braziliian. "I love the bloke but he fcukin stinks" says Chunk. BB points out to Sam that this could be case of the pot calling the kettle black. (5 votes)

Ramsey: Everyone outdoors votes for Ramsey as they say his broken collar-bone is meaning he cant do any work and so he should be evicted. (7 votes)

Tom Wood: Many of those outdoors, and also Chunk feel he should have been outside after already having a week inside. (5 votes)

Others are also close to being on the nominees list, Dean and Al both get 4 votes, as does Ben. Rich only recieves 2 votes and Varley doesnt have any, after being nominated for the last few evictions. After the nominations BB says that to mark the lads having been in the house for 3 weeks they each can watch a recorded message from someone on the outside world, as well as a meal from Cheiftan. For two hours beginning at six the outdoor lads are allowed inside and the lads sit on the sofas watching the TV for their messages, with a great meal of Donna meat pizzas, chosen by Marcos. Murf has a salad as he is watching his diet.

Each lad has a one minute message from someone, Ben's is from his mum and dad, as are many of the lads. Varl has a message from Lindsay who tells him that his dad is now a millionaire as he hasnt had to pay Varls mobile bill for the last 3 weeks. Al has a message from Tori and Ben andChunk rip him to pieces when she calls him 'Sweetpea'. Grez has quite a strange message, BB says that the only person in at his house was the toroise as his mum and dad are on holiday, AGAIN, so Grez watches a minutes footage of Sergei the toroise in his tank.

After the videos the lads from outdoors are sent back to the tent and the nominations are read out. Matty is not immpressed and says that he will kill everyone who voted for him, especially if it was that back-stabbing Al. Marcos isnt too bothered by his nomination, he just comforts himself by eating all the left-over pizza. Ramsey and Turkish both laugh off their nominations, Tom says that he wont get voted out as he has the backing of the ethnic minority audience due to his foreign background. With the night drawing to a close Varley and Rich are the happiest people in the house as they are delighted not to be vote out. Varl is also happy about his dads winnnings and can be heard talking in his sleep about buying the new Samsung phone, "It can send 47 texts per minute" he mutters before rolling over and chewing his pillow.

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