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"Royal Joke" The Totally Un-Official Fanzine Of U.R.O.F.C.

The Royal Joke

Reporter: Jon Ellis                                     Issue: 8

The totally 100% un-official newsletter of Upney Royal Oak F.C.

Sven will I, will I be famous?

It seems that now a TV can’t be turned on without Sven Goran Eriksson appearing. Be it at the live game, or advertising supermarkets, the boy gets about more than an Essex girl with her own Escort. Spotted at a recent Upney game in a very unconvincing disguise and using a fake name, the question begs who was he there to watch. Was the England boss weighing up the omission of Michael Owen for Dave Randall? Or simply scoping out the Italian Nash for the upcoming friendly? The German Ellis was also a player who Sven was keeping tabs on, just in case his Lions square up to the Old Enemy in a far east showdown. With so many possibilities, it’s hard to tell if Sven was there to scout on these people, or simply as a rest from watching football, and he wanted a giggle?!

Quiz of the week

Competition time, and get your history books out because this is a hard one for you. Can anyone tell me, and don’t rush because this is a spectacularly difficult question, when Upney last won a league game? Answers cut from newspaper and magazine clippings to:

The Board

Upney Royal Oak Football Club

Barking Park



No laughing Matt-er

The departure of Upney’s first living legend Matt Carmoody has left questions begging for the future of Upney. Are they to be serious contenders in the game, or simply another feeder team for the mega-powers of football? With comparisons being made to West Ham’s policy of "Breed and Sell", a bleak future of mid-table obscurity could be facing Upney. Matt was an exceptional player, and although he leaves the club to pursue greater personal triumphs, will this trend kick in?

Bone Idle’s!

Rumour has it that with the recent influx of ‘Manufactured megastars’, Darren Silk, under the guidance of guru Simon Fuller, is about to launch an assault on the charts. Although nothing definate has been signed, a source close to mister Silk tells us, "He’s got the voice of an angel, the cheeky schoolboy grin, and the personality of a wet mop. Simon want’s him to sing and smile, but pretend to stutter to stop people seeing what he’s really like! I like the bloke, but he’s a total blanket". When we asked Mr Silk about this, he’s response was "I d-d-don’t have a c-c-c-clue what they’re talking about." A source has said the first single will be a cover of the Elvis classic, "Suspicious minds", with the album to follow, entitled, "If Rik can do it…". Mr Silk won’t be the 1st Upney star to turn his hand at music, as Kelvin Nash released a cover of it’s raining men a few years back, but it sold only 14 copies, and they were all bought in the East Ham Woolworth’s.

The Royal Joke

The totally 100% un-official newsletter of Upney Royal Oak F.C.

Reporter: Jon Ellis               Issue No. 7

R.I.P Football

Died 16/02/2002



The pallbearers hang their heads in sorrow as the game we know is laid to rest.  This reporter has had the sad duty over previous weeks to inform the fans of various drinking spree's and other shaming acts in the game, but he never expected things to get this bad.  Picture the scene if you will, the night before a game against promotion rivals Romford Scorpions.  While the Scorpions were doubtless to say tucking each other into bed with cocoa, the seeds of Upney's final demise was sown.  When 4 of the players and 2 associates arrived at the nightclub, I was in shock.  The night before a game, the last thing a fan needs to see is 4 of the teams best palyers in a bar.  The drinking became as heavy as Vanessa Feltz on Neptune, and the derogatory comments began flying in all directions.  The players, now drawing attention to themselves, piled into a mini-van with associates, plus two young "beauties".  The players were dropped at their houses until all that remained was one player, his associate, and the 2 girls.  The next this reporter heard, the player involved had been........


He, along with the others involved, didn’t contribute to the game, other than the outcome being a one sided humiliation of Upney Royal Oak. As if the previous nights antics weren’t enough, and the shame of the defeat also having no effect, the same group, along with yet another Upney star, headed ‘out of town’ to drink for a players birthday. At this event, one of the players was ejected for ‘brawling’, and a local chicken shop owner had this to say: "They left the place in a right mess, throwing chips and condiments everywhere. They were loud and uncontrollable, I tried to calm them down but they wouldn’t listen to me." This sad weekend is the final straw as far as this reporter is concerned, and I feel that a hefty fan or even ban should be imposed on these players if we are to see any improvement in the on and off pitch activities of Upney. One last point is to be raised to the associates, do you care about this club? If you do, stop leading our players astray.


Player Profile

It’s a strange thing, but with the players behaving so badly off the pitch, and playing so terrible on it, this weeks player profile will be on the only person who doesn’t let the club down, Katy O’Donnell. Week in and week out Katy arrives at the game to cheer on the boys, even though as of late the performances have been dissapointing. Katie, we salute you!


The Royal Joke

100% unofficial newsletter of Upney Royal Oak Football Club.

Reporter: Jon Ellis                             Issue No. 6 

More shame on the game

In following up the last issues story of the Upney Royal Oak stars in trouble, it is this reporters sad duty to inform of yet more antics involving the playing staff, following last Saturday nights successful fund raising event. Several players took the night onto a club, and were reported to be acting ‘indecently’ upon leaving, a source has revealed. Although this time it was only a small collection of players and their friends, this needs to be amended. A source, who cannot be revealed, walked the journey home with the Upney stars, and told of ‘violence, aggressiveness, theft and abusive language, plus a shot in the face with butter that had to be seen to be believed.’ The club is currently trying to shake off a reputation as seedy as a night out with Jamie Theakston, and this is not a step in the right direction. The investigations continue.

The day we caught the train(ing)

Upney Royal Oak Football Club. A name synonymous with finesse, greatness and, er, well, you get the idea. So why is it, after over half a season, and albeit a successful time, training is still a seedling idea? The team are now organising training to begin as soon as the teams five-a-side outfit, ‘Below Average’ finish their campaign, 3 weeks from now. Although these training sessions are open to fans, the management has asked for fan co-operation with this. Players autographs and photos are at the individuals discretion, but please ask after the session has finished, as the players need to be focused on the task at hand.

Player Profile

Club secretary and defender Paul ‘Sweaty’ Suett comes under the microscope this week. The player, more popular than Pop Idols Gareth, and with better hair, was a late addition to the Upney squad, but a shrewd buy for the team. With a better head than Gillian Taylforth in a lay-by, Suett has kept the right side of the Upney defence stern in every appearance he has made. His footballing abilities are only exceeded by his business mind, as he attempts to steer the club from financial ruin.



The Royal Joke

100% unofficial newsletter of Upney Royal Oak Football Club.

Reporter: Jon Ellis                              Issue No. 5

The game in the gutter

The good name of soccer took another beating over the past weekend with allegations being made against 5 Upney stars, following the cup victory against Chefs. Witnesses have said that the 5 stars, who can’t be named for legal reasons, along with three unknown friends, ‘acted in a manner befitting that of a zoo’. The players left a night-club in the early hours of Sunday morning and caused affray in the local area. What followed was a trail of destruction, ended only by the interjection of the police. Another witness said ‘It was horrible, they were vomiting, urinating and destroying public property. I was afraid for my safety’. Although no one was hurt, the damage to the reputation of football is fast becoming irreparable. New club secretary Paul Suett was unavailable for comment, but is said to be livid that the players acted this way, at least without him being there to join in. The investigation continues.


Head and shoulders above the rest

Kelvin Nash’s cup game diving header was very heroic, and resulted in him feeling as wobbly as Shaking Stevens at a set of traffic lights! We here wanted to show our gratitude for Nash putting his head on the line for the sake of the team. Kelvin Nash, we salute you.


Head and shoulders above the rest

Kelvin Nash’s cup game diving header was very heroic, and resulted in him feeling as wobbly as Shaking Stevens at a set of traffic lights! We here wanted to show our gratitude for Nash putting his head on the line for the sake of the team. Kelvin Nash, we salute you.

We’re all on a Semi!

UROFC cruised into the quarterfinals of the cup over the weekend and are now one game away from The Semi. This inaugural season for Upney has thus far been a success and with promotion still on course, a cup final would make this the perfect start for the team. New club secretary Paul Suett has vowed to turn around the clubs fortunes off the pitch, and things are looking rosy on all fronts. Suett has promised big things for this club, so with Fergies impending departure, can the secretary persuade manager Carmoody to stay at his roots. Only time will tell.

Player Profile

Being scrutinised this week is Ryan ‘Killswitch’ Silk. The big man with an affinity for the rough, Ryan is as stable in the tackle as Adam Ant. The midfielder has been known to loose his temper faster than a Taliban without his chains on. Ryan’s strength is his ability to read the game and play the killer pass at the right time, knocking the wind out of opposition faster than a royal spliff!



The Royal Joke

100% unofficial newsletter of Upney Royal Oak Football Club.

Reporter:  Jon Ellis                                                                      Issue No. 4

Happy New Year

All staff at The Royal Joke magazine would like to wish the players, staff and fans of Upney Royal Oak a very happy and successful New Year. With the second half of the season commencing, Upney’s promotion hopes are still on course, despite now having more contenders for the spot than before. Hopefully this will not pose a problem for the red and black warriors. Last year, URO crashed out of the cup in an epic battle, having already notched one giant killing in the tournament. Hopefully, this lack of distraction will mean that all eyes are on the fourth division title. Perhaps the some things that we can most certainly look forward to is the continuing of flowing, free scoring football, and Ryan Silks ever late tackles! This reporter for one is hoping the second half of the season is as good as the first, or maybe even better.

Christmas Gifts

Over the holidays, I drew up some ideas of what to buy some people for Noel. Here’s my Xmas list for some Upney stars:

  • Darren Silk – A muzzle to stop him moaning.
  • Ryan Silk – A watch, so he can time his tackles.
  • Kelvin Nash – What do you buy the boy who has it all? (How about some game!)
  • Steve Silk – A first aid kit
  • Dave Garrod – A portable TV so he can watch Leeds and still get changed with the team!

Player Profile

Issue 4’s player profile is the one and only Dave ‘Goal Machine’ Randall. Perhaps the most flamboyant of characters in the team (recently likened to George Best), Randall has achieved cult status amongst the Upney Royal Oak fans. An all round professional, Dave is a real sports enthusiast, and has stamina levels that would shame an Olympian. With a body not seen since the days of the titans, it would be easy to write Randall off as a purely physical player. This is not so, as his hitman like finishing has shown this season. Claims were made by some at the opening of the season that he is a greedy player, but as long as he is scoring, I say keep the ball!


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