The Tenerife 19!!

 BEFORE                                  AFTER

Not wanting to be outdone by the Tenerife 18, Now 19, the Topaz Totty 5 have issued us with their own itinerararary!

DAY ONE - SET OFF FROM 11A RAFBORN GROVE, AFTER MRS WILSON HAS BEEN TO THE HAIRDRESSERS FOR HER BLOW DRY(I think thats what it said!) ARRIVE IN TENERIFE 7 P.M. LOCAL TIME (I think there's a plane journey somewhere in between) AND BOARD THE 5* TOPAZ CRUISE LINER. COCKTAILS(THE DRINKING KIND) AND SET SAIL AT MIDNIGHT(with Mandy already in the Brig!)

DAY TWO - Awake at 6.00 a.m for airyobits in the gym and a swim in the Olympic size pool. All you can eat breakfast followed by an excursion to Lanzagrotty, and believe me it is...think we'll keep the cabin crew company in one of the bars we're not barred from yet, finish off the day with our fourth meal and a short swim, good book(I said book) in bed.

DAY THREE - Same start to the day as yesterday but this time arriving in Morroco, Sue Mellor missing Reg so suggests having a ride on a camel! Back to the ship for more food and drinks, then work that off with a Brotherhood of Man concert.

DAY FOUR - At sea all day today, try to find a library or another bar. Beat record by having six meals and 34 cups of tea. Peggys supply runs out, must fill up at next port of call! Mandy released from Brig, replaced by Pikey!

DAY FIVE - Usual energetic morning, Mrs Wilson has another blow dry, dock in Madeira, off to Blandys, where Sue has an account, to taste the local produce and look at the beautiful exotic flowers! Not too long on shore though girls, we need to get our value for money on board ship and have at least two more meals!

DAY SIX - Today its La Palma, bit like Lanzagrotty, so its find a cheap bar and "Oiga - Cinco Cerveza por favor"

DAY SEVEN - Gran Canaria - who cares!

DAY EIGHT - 'TAXI'  - "The Priory please"!  Stomach pump and Detox then home  to our loved ones who we've missed so much and give them the postcards we forgot to send!

NB: SPEEDOS OPTIONAL!

Tenerife update

Johnny MO says Hi-de-hi campers, and here is his Tenerife Itenerararary of Culture.

DAY ONE - RELAXING DRINK BY THE POOL, SPEEDOS OPTIONAL.

DAY TWO - COACH TRIP TO CHECK OUT BREAKFAST FACILITIES AND LOCAL AMENITIES, BINGO IN EVENING.

DAY THREE - DEEP SEA FISHING TRIP, SPEEDOS MUST BE WORN!

DAY FOUR - SIGHTSEEING TRIP TO SEE ANCIENT MONUMENTS AND VOLCANIC LIPS(NO, THIS ISN'T YOU MANDY!)

DAY FIVE - BOAT TRIP ROUND THE BAY COMPLETE WITH WHIST AND CANASTA TOURNAMENTS.

DAY SIX - LADS EVENING MEAL IN EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT, TALKING OVER OLD TIMES WITH 1/2 BOTTLE OF WINE.

DAY SEVEN - RELAXING DRINKS BY THE POOL DISCUSSING ALL THE HIGH JINXS WE GOT UP TO ON THE HOLIDAY.

               ALL THE EXCITING ACTION ABOVE WILL BE INTERSPERSED WITH WORLD CUP FOOTBALL AND THE ODD

               DRINKYPOOS!  ALL THE ABOVE TRIPS CAN BE BOOKED THROUGH RESIDENT REDCOAT JOHNNY MO!

Ignore the heresy below,he's only the 1st team coach whereas famous Speedo wearers include the club chairman, the secretary, the treasurer,theTrio organiser,the Donkey Derby Organiser,the Christmas raffle organiser,the 2nd team coach,the 3rd team coach and 3 commitee men.An overwhelming indictment of the right to wear CLINGY MAN-MADE FIBRES!

Anybody who insists in taking pairs of the deadly "Speedo's" on this prestigious event can report to my office before the start of next season to discuss a transfer to a club where this sort of attire is still in fashion.Slaithewaite or other clubs in the Colne Valley spring to mind.

A very concerned member of the travelling party!

This is the Tenerife 18! Now 19!

Rumour has it we have a mole in the touring party who is putting subtle hints into the minds of our partners not to pack our Speedos! This is outrageous and will not be tolerated,we must be on our guard.This infiltrator is very cunning and does not go direct to the wife or girlfriend but puts the idea to her friend that we will look ridiculous in tight clinging swimwear! I suspect that the traitor himself does not have the Adonis type figure that most of us have and needs to wear baggy shorts to cover his paunch.Be vigilant comrades and just to be on the safe side buy extra pairs in flourescent colours and make sure you pack your own case!

As we get nearer to the tour some of you might feel you need to firm up and lose some weight,well you're in luck,Neil Garraghan is holding courses on how to tone up your body and get that sculptured look. First meeting is being held at McDonalds on Leeds Road.

Don't forget to bring your Channel 5 Speedos, a sure way of pulling the chicks! And Paddy, you put the potato in the front not the back! Is Ashy still on his Dads passport?Will Howley bring Ourmonica?Will Bomber bring any money? Stay tuned to this channel for these and other exciting questions answered.The picture of Jeff Mellor shows him modelling his Speedos,however I find these a trifle bland,I would like to see more colour in everyone elses'.Please note that since Jaggsys photo he has had a nose job that adds to his looks!

Johnny Morris becomes the first tripper to pay the full £316 for the holiday,he's desperate to get a week away from the Meltham Mott so he can have a rest and soak his tackle in some cool salty water instead of acidic juices!

This is how long we have until us ugly people explore Tenerife.

Adey                           Big Al                         Ashy                         Billy D                      Damo                         Jags

Johnny Mo                  Howley                     Reg  (Ryan)                         Russ                          Struddy                     Timmy

Bomber                      Cally                           Gaz                          Carl                           Jeff                            Andy 

                                                                                   Dave