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Footy Jokes!


David Beckham is celebrating; "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily. Posh asks him why hes celebrating . He answers "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet" says David."It says 3 to 5 years on he box."

David Beckham has gone crazy believing his wife Posh has been having an affair on him. In his rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Roy Keene. Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head. "No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers. "I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back." Beckham replies. "You're next."

David Beckham: "Victoria, why's this bacon cold?"
Posh: "Because its ham david!"

David Beckham was going up the motorway when a lorry driver asked him to pull over. Whilst they were standing in the hard shoulder. the man said "Now stand in that ring I've just drawn with chalk over there, and I'll just smash your car up"
David said "OK".
So the man smashed in the lights, and David started to giggle. Next, the lorry driver smashed in the windscreen, and David laughed and laughed. Finally, the man blew up Beck's brand new Mercedes. By the time he did this david was in hysterics, so the man said
"Why are you laughing? I've just blown up your car"
David said "Jokes on you, though; every time you turned your back I took my foot out of the circle"

Posh Spice was involved in a "little incident" whilst trying to reverse her car. She received a large dent in the side, so took it to be fixed. The bloke told her to blow in the exhaust pipe and the dents would come out.
She took it home and was trying to blow out the dents, when David came out and said
"What are you doing?"
She replied "I'm trying to blow out the dents."
David said "don't be silly - you have to close the windows first."

General Footy Jokes!
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
A man desperate at Villa's current situation decides to top himself.
In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Villa kit as his last statement.
A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."
British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

England have a qualifying match against the Scots and the boys decide to let Owen lead the charge alone as they go to a local pub. The match starts and the boys, beers in hand, toast as Michael scores in the 7th minute to give England a 1-0 lead.
The radio is turned off as the boys begin to celebrate and then turned on again a bit later. They are shocked to find that Scotland has tied the game in the 84th minute. They race to the stadium to help Owen win the match and are shocked to find that they are too late -- Scotland has scored in the 90th minute and the game has ended in victory to the Scots 2-1. They race to the locker-room to find Michael sitting in front of his locker with his head in his hands sobbing.
"What the hell happened ?!" they ask,
"I am really sorry I let you down," Michael sobs, "I got red carded 2 minutes into the second half!"

What part of a football pitch smells nicest ?The scenter spot !
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space ? Because there is no atmosphere ! What's the chilliest ground in the premiership ? Cold Trafford !
How did the football pitch end up as triangle ? Somebody took a corner !
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply ? Paul gas coin !
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies !
What does a footballer and a magician have in common ? Both do hat tricks !
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar ? All of them, a crossbar can't jump !
Why are football players never asked for dinner ? Because they're always dribbling ! Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ? Because he liked sole music !

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