PLAY BETTER FOOTIE!!

WANT TO PLAY SOCCER MORE BETTERER?

LEARN HOW WITH THIS ESSENTIAL CUT-OUT-AND-THROWINTHEBIN GUIDE CREATED BY THE EXPERTS FOR THE COMPLETE USELESS TOSSER.

1. Completely confuse your opponent by spinning round-and-round in circles like a mad breakdancer whilst singing "Hey you! The Rock Steady Crew" in a warbling falsetto.

2. A bit scared of the oppositions hard-tackling midfielder? Simply run away whilst peeing your pants.

3. Or alternatively impress him with your best David Essex impression remembering to learn all the words to Silver Dream Machine.

4. Seasoned professionals have always known the value of the rancid armpit. Here Ewan Pointyhead shows the true value of the lack of 'pit hygeine by felling the goalie with just one whiff.

. Cheer up a bored and frustrated crowd by aiming your next free-kick at the corner flag. It will be the last thing the opposition expect.

6. Give yourself an advantage at corners by glueing an arrow to your forehead. Farting on the oppositions head is also highly recommended for extra leverage.

7. Another way to relieve boredom is to have a game of "Best Man Die". The captain fires a pretend gun and the winner is the player who "dies" the best. Top marks here go to the player second from left who has actually lopped his own leg off for authenticity. Emile Heskey and Don Hutchinson are said to be experts at this game.